To Riot and the Community.

To Riot games, and the community. Hello, my name is Robert (MuIch) S. Most of you don't know me, but i'm going to tell you a little about myself and mistakes i've made. I'd like to start off by telling you a little bit about myself and add a little backstory. I started playing League of Legends in early season 3. I was at a friends house after getting my first computer experiencing internet for the first time. I was going to be at my friends house for a week or so, so I got set up and downloaded my first ever game League of Legends. I'd never experienced anything but local ps2 multiplayer before, so I was exstatic. Even though I had no idea what I was doing (I literally built 5 giants belts because I didn't know items built into something.) it was amazing and I instantly fell in love. I quickly began bothering my parents for internet so I could play League at home, and they eventually got us a speed stick ( the only thing available in the country at the time) and I began playing league with my 300-400 ping, I didn't even understand what ping was at the time. Within a year though we upgraded to a special mobile type connection that got me to aroun 200 ping and that's when i began to take League a little more socially. I began to climb with my now half-decent ping and started to look for people to play with. I quickly found a group that I absolutly fell in love with, a group of guys that I talk to daily even after all these years (1 of them has a plane ticket booked for my wedding in a few months!!!)

Honestly I couldn't have met these gentleman at a better time, I was midway through High-School at this point in my life, I thought I had life figured out, but the more I talked to these guys, the more I realized my worldviews were small, overly conservative, and in many cases wrong. Basically what i'm trying to say is, my new friends showed me that the rest of the world was more accepting of certain things than where I live. My one dear friend (the one coming to my wedding) helped me discover myself, and well to be plain my sexuality. I hadn't even realized how confused and frustrated I had been by it, and I honestly owe my realization to Riot Games. Riot Games has helped me discover so many things in my life, and I truly owe them a lot. 

It became a ritual for me, i'd come home, deal with my studies while I slept, and then get onto League with my friends. We would talk and laugh and learn. One day we decided to make a ranked 5's team, and as many young gamers do, have dreams of going pro. We played our hearts out and got gold/plat, nothing special, but enough to keep us hopeful. At this time I was nearing my end of high-school and had finally mustered up the courage to come out to my best friend IRL, and she in turn convinced me to come out to my parents. Looking back now I can see it was a good thing, although the immediate effect was terrible. They were angry to put it simply, and at the age of 17 I found myself looking for an apartment, I was angry and hateful, on top of that I didn't have internet to talk to my friends for help until I went back to school a week later. After some desperate searching, one  of my friends who was in a similar situation offered to find a place to share with me, and my beloved League group (with some help from their parents.) (thank you so much Mrs.Wellman!) managed to help me cover my damage deposit/first months rent.

Honestly it was a double edged sword on one hand I had just lost contact with my entire family, and I was forced to change schools for my last semester of highschool, but on the other hand, for the first time I was free, and happy, (AND good internet!) I was talking to my group/ playing League anytime I wasn't working or studying. With how little free time I had to my days, I really only had time to do the 3 things that were important to me, work, friends, and league. This is what I think started my path of toxicity on League, I didn't have another time or place to vent, so as things got more and more difficult for me I began to let it out, but I directed my anger not only in the wrong way, but to the wrong people. I began a terrible slope into being what was probably one of the most toxic players in the entire community. It started out slowly, a few rude comments here and there, depending on how my day had been. It manifested itself, I had begun to turn into an ugly terrible person. The strange thing was, I am a perfectly pleasant person face to face, I will generally go out of my way to make you smile, but online I was a whole other person.

Now before going any further, I would like to make it perfectly clear, nothing I am about to say is meant as an excuse for my behaviour. I am simply giving an insite into my life, and what was going on with me. 

After being mildly toxic for a year or so, with minor restrictions here and there, I was contacted by my parents for the first time since our falling out, I was nervous but excited. I thought maybe after reflection they had come to an understanding or something. I found out when I called my mother back that my father was going into heart surgery, he has a type of very small hole in his heart that they had to fix. He had wanted me there in case anything went wrong. I remember slowly walking to his unit in the hospital, so nervous, so scared, only to be greated with happiness and jokes as if I had never left, as if nothing had happened and it was amazing. My mother was a bit more withheld, but she was clearly trying for my fauthers sake. So I took a 2 weeks off work to help tend the farm while dad was at the hospital (the week he was there for prep and a week after.) My heart began to race with fear as that first week went by. I was able to use my fathers laptop to communicate with my friends once in a while, but I felt very alone throughout that time. I remember going to the hospital on the day of the surgery, walking in to see my dad with a fake smile on his face, we gave him a hug and to me and my brothers surprise told us he loved us (he was very old fashioned and to this day cannot remember another time where he verbally expressed love.) I remember being to choked up and surprised to even say anything back, but I knew by that tht he was scared. I remember them wheeling him away to surgery. At best he was expected to com out with a heart that would have to be redone in 15-20 years, and 2 broken ribs where they would need access to the heart. We sat there for 12 hours, I had a book with me and I stared at the same 2 pages for 12 hours. I didnt eat, I didn't sleep, and I tried not to think. We didn't get any updated, or hear anything, until almost exactly 12 hours later.

I remember collapsing on the ground in tears, my head throbbing, my voice gone. Head disoriented, no idea of anything, no control over my body. I don't know how long I was hysterical for, I don't even remember getting home. All I know is my brother msut have acknowledged my existance for the first time since my outing, because the next day there was my Adam, flown in fresh off the plane. A shoulder to cry on, and friend that I was so lucky to have. My mother couldn't stand having me at the house any longer so She gave Adam directions on how to get to my apartment and he took me home. he stayed with me for a week, and honestly don't know how I would have survived without him.  When he was leaving I remember being filled with dispare. Begging him to stay and felling like i was losing another loved one. I remember the stupid smirk he had on his face when he told me to be on league tomorrow. I sobbed, but agreed. 

Now my work had requested I take some time off to collect myself, and my studys were done for the semester. I now had a lot of free time on my hands, my group had jobs and school so they weren't on all day. I began to use League as an escape, I used it to leave my life and go somewhere else. what I didn't realize was that I was letting my feelings vent into the game. This is where I became Extremely toxic. Saying the most horrible things, things that would bring me to tears if they were said to me. Reflecting now I hate that time in my life, and I cannot believe I let myself get to that point. I was trying to bring other people down just to feel something. I honestly couldn't tell you the exact reason I did it, I don't know if I got satisfaction from it, or if I was just letting anger out. 

What I do know is how terribly sorry I am, how horrible I feel, and how much I regret my actions, I regret more than just flaming people. I regret targeting people, to anyone I ever made feel bad or even terrible, I am sorry. I am also sorry that i brought down Riots name. The company is reflected by all of us, Riot is like a physical family member to me, and I let them down and disrespected them. I used racist and homophobic slurs, even while being LGBTQ myself. I trolled, raged, afk'd and brought down other players game quality. I was what people complained about on reddit, I was the reason people took breaks from League. I was everything that disgusts me.

I hurt the League of Legends community, and I feel terrible for it. I was given chance after chance to reform, and instead I instigated, disrespected, and hated. I know my ban was well warrented. I would like to ask the Legaue community for one more chance, 1 more chance to play with my friends, to have a positive influence, to show i've changed. I would like for the community to have as much of a say in this as the devs. I would like to prove my reform, and live up to the standards and expectations of Riot Games. Over the past 7-8 months I have reflected, on more than just my behavior, but my priorities in life. I have tried to change who I am as a whole. I know work at a LGBTQ safehouse in my city, as well as taken to seeing  therapist who has helped me with my goal planning/lifestyle changes a lot.

I know this is a long post, and I don't want to ramble on, but more than anything, even if I can't get another chance, I would like for anyone reading this, If I hurt you. I am so sorry. Even if I didnt hurt you, I know someone in this game has, and I apologize on their behalf. To the reds reading this, I need you to know I am a different person now. and that I hate what I did, and what I did to your game. I am so sorry. 

If I have ever hurt any of you personally, or any of u would like to contact me I would gladly hear from you. I would also like to offer personalized apologies to anyone who wants one. sincerly, I really thank you all for taking the time to read this. 

With Regards to the devs and the community, Robert S email available upon request, if you need to talk tome im here