Introspective: Why that toxic player in our games may not be the monster we think they are.
Story time.
I had a rough time as a kid with bullies. In school, out of school, in my house. They were almost everywhere. I used to get picked on so bad that I would skip school non-stop just to avoid contact with the bullies.
The terrible things they called me, the unspeakable way they treated me. Everything piled up on me and it felt like I was drowning in misery. So much misery that as I was pondering it, I started to get angry. Why were they treating me that way? It's unfair! Why me? These are all thoughts that my child-mind dwelled on endlessly. I became so angry that I would throw some pretty extreme tantrums. Sometimes I would abuse my little sister. I would torture her so much she would be crying histerically and clawing desperately for the phone to call mom at work. Of course I didn't let her, because I didn't want any repercussions. I didn't really know why I was doing it. All I knew is that for some reason it made me feel better to release the pent up frustration/anger I was holding in. I didn't have any constructive ways to unleash it. I wasn't in any martial arts or played any sports. Eventually I sank really deep into video games to escape my thoughts. As you can imagine this was a huge relief for my sister. But it wasn't really any healthier for me either.
I got so addicted to WoW. This was back when it had JUST come out and it was the hugest thing for online gamers. I skipped entire MONTHS of school. I failed all my classes. I had no friends.
No friends.
Years passed. I became more mature and have been through many jobs and have had many more life experiences. I made friends, fell out of touch with them too. Years later I wondered why my sister never stopped loving me despite all the cruel things I did to her. We still talked a lot, she never guilt tripped me for it or anything. If you would have met us now you wouldn't even know those things happened in the past. As I thought about it more and more I began to realize how wrong my behavior was in the past and think I really didn't deserve to be forgiven at all. I asked her why.
This is what she said to me: "You're my brother. How couldn't I love you? Even though you did all those horrible things you also were nice to me too. You weren't always like that. Remember when we used to play with my beanie babies for hours? Or how I used to love watching you play Silent Hill and Metal Gear? I know who you really are on the inside. I know you didn't act that way on purpose or out of spite for me. I forgive you because you aren't defined by only the bad things you do, you're defined by everything you do."
I cried. I changed that day. I learned a better way to look at things.
Cruelty is a vicious cycle. No one is born cruel. Cruel people were all originally victims. Look at very young children. Watch two very young children meet each other and become best friends immediately. They don't judge or fear judgment. They don't know what it is.
So to every person out there who has ever been toxic:
I understand. I know your pain, I lived with it for years. But maybe. Just maybe, if we can make a difference we should do it! Why don't we break that cycle and choose not to vent our frustrations on others. We know how it feels to be a victim, so why shouldn't we apply that knowledge and instead be compassionate and understanding? Don't bully someone else. Sure you'll feel better initially, but you'll just end up ruining someone else's day. And then that person will ruin another's... And so on and so forth.
It starts with you.
But it also ends with you too.
######/rant
Has anyone else been bullied? Care to share your stories? Let's discuss how we can make our community a more compassionate place for everyone!
I've been made aware that my post is actually somewhat confusing in the message I mean to convey.
TLDR; The morale of the story is this: Instead of dealing with being bullied in a positive way I turned my frustrations on my sister instead. Which was wrong. My sister didn't retaliate or pass along the negativity like I did. Instead she forgave me for the terrible things I did and broke the chain. I have since learned from my sister that there is a better way. #breakthechain
PS. For those of you who read the post before and were confused/angered by the story. It has a new ending. I forgot the real ending.
