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So, I have a weird question.

Niyumi··1 votes·894 views

So, if you've never read my other threads, this isn't goinna make sense. But, here's a few links. 1 2 3

If you don't feel like reading, I'll summarize them: I grew up entirely alone. I never once had friends, I have never so much as been on a date or hugged a girl (I've had dating ads up on multiple websites for near 5 years now, with not one serious response), and my family actively tells me how much they hate me, how much they wish I'd move out, they call me a r%%%%%, all that. So, I keep on asking why people treat me like this, and why I'm always alone.

Well, I think I may have figured out at least part of the issue, though I don't know if it even is the issue, or if it has any impact one way or another.

Anyway, I've been to over a dozen therapists. Some of them were prescribing (though medicine always just made me sick, never really helped), some were not. I was diagnosed at a young age with depression severe enough that they'd normally put me in a mental home since most people with depression as severe are incredibly high risk (suicide), that hasn't changed at all, and in fact my depression and anxiety get worse the older I get. But, funny enough, they've always believed me when I say I would never even consider hurting myself.

Although, every therapist I've ever been to has always been so surprised at how I never cry, how I never really feel down, at how I just kind of seem to brush everything off. My last therapist told me that he's very surprised I never cry, but said that if I ever do start crying, I'd never stop. Even as a little kid I never cried. But, any time I watch a movie, any time I watch an anime, any time I read a book, any time I play well-made video game... I cry my eyes out (both sad and happy crying), I laugh... I actually feel things. Even if I'm just talking to people in a game or something, I feel things. My therapists have said it's because I can connect with the people, even if they're not real, and feel what they feel, empathize with them, and feel for them. I've prevented people from committing suicide a few times, and I was overjoyed about it, even if they hated me afterwards... but I never feel anything concerning myself.

So, I'm thinking that's part of my issue, maybe. Ever since I was little (as far back as like 3-4 years old), I never really felt anything, even though the feelings are there if I look hard enough. But, I never have emotions (outside of anger every now and then -- but I think that's pent up frustration venting itself), and there's just this big, giant stone wall around me. That wall blocks everyone from ever getting inside, but also keeps me locked inside so I can never really act like myself, even when I'm alone. I can't enjoy things, I can't be passionate about things, I can't do anything. I have a feeling my dating ads fail because they're like reading a documentary. People avoid me because I feel fake to them, and subdued. When I watch a movie or anime and I start crying, I feel sad immediately afterwards, and then I don't feel anything anymore. Any time that wall cracks or has a hole, I just patch it right back up without even thinking about it.

... but I'm sick of it.

I don't know if it's because I'm ashamed of who I am, and don't want anyone (even me) to see, or if I'm afraid of people rejecting me like everyone always did, or what the issue is, but I kind of hate this wall. I know Trump wouldn't approve, but I want to tear it down, though I don't really know how. I want to feel things, and I want to be myself, even if no one likes who I am.

So, my weird question: How do I tear down a wall?

And yes, I know this is not a good place to ask, but I have nowhere else to go and no one else to ask, and I've been to over a dozen therapists, so they're no help either.

And sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense. Don't really know how to put any of this to words. >.>

13 Comments

Weathered1 votes

I have something similar on a much smaller and a bit different scale. I mostly relate to the wall issue, not so much the family or personality. For me it took someone to push me. I was one of the silent kids and someone decided they were going to start talking to me, and I guess they liked who I was when I was talking so they just kept pushing and talking to me. It worked out eventually.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that you just need to talk to people. If someone doesn't want to talk back, it's not going to hurt you. You have to just take the chance and hope.

Niyumi1 votes

Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well -- so did my last therapist. Just someone to talk to, who doesn't mind who I really am, who can help take the wall down brick by brick.

Problem is, I can't seem to find that person. Everyone I talk to just runs away or ignores me. Anyone who does talk to me gives up before long and disappears. I'm not in high school anymore, so I'm not really surrounded by people anymore either.

BloodyTompon1 votes

You dating ads would be failing because you don't know the rules of the game. You don't write what you think, make that shit up. You think all those people on those things like long walks on the beach? They don't. What they like is the idea of liking long walks on the beach.

Anyway that aside. Pretty normal to feel subdued from chronic depression. That's a well documented phenomena, not sure if it helps knowing it is normal or not. I'm actually more surprised that games will bring you to tears. That makes me suspect there's a large element of sub consciously learnt masking of emotion. If you're in a situation where they aren't acceptable (and it kind of sounds like it) that would make sense.

The first thing is realise you're probably going to need years if not decades to tackle it. There is no easy way unfortunately. Ask the therapist* for mindfulness techniques. '..though the feelings are there if I look hard enough' that made me think you'd benefit from some of those. Make it crystal clear with your therapist what you want to achieve with it. You want to improve paying attention to emotions. I'd also ask to learn some more sophisticated emotional language and ways of expressing yourself.

Make sure you venture outside of your comfort zone. Start with the therapist, move on to somebody else. Try joining some extra curricular things. Sport, some kind of arts and craft, a book club. Anything that forces you to interact. If you are in a lager town there will be support groups for people with anxiety and depression to meet. Ask your therapist about those. You don't have to like the extra curricular activity, that's not the point. It's a stepping stone to something else.

Why do things to push your comfort zone? Because it's likely part of you finds comfort in the way things are, they're known and familiar. That's part of many peoples internal conflict. You want to be who you are and change at the same time? Sure sounds to me like comfort in the negativity is part of your issue.

Most importantly, don't give up. You will fail and regress at some point in this. Everybody does. Have a little tanty for a while, a little whinge and cry. Just make sure you get back out and trying again. This is the biggest trick to breaking the wall: perseverance.

*Aim for a therapist with a masters degree in clinical psychology. Also try to see a psychiatrist if you haven't already. Ask about seeing them for checkups, say once a year or something. In particular if you are on medication -- Do NOT go on medication without seeing a psychiatrist.

Niyumi1 votes

{quoted}

You dating ads would be failing because you don't know the rules of the game. You don't write what you think, make that shit up. You think all those people on those things like long walks on the beach? They don't. What they like is the idea of liking long walks on the beach.

That seems a little backwards to me. I have a feeling that's why people say they don't work very well. : /

Anyway that aside... Ask the therapist* for mindfulness techniques. '..though the feelings are there if I look hard enough' that made me think you'd >benefit from some of those...

I'm not going to the therapist anymore. They never help me at all anyway, and I was only going because my parents were forcing me to. But, he was talking about the whole wall thing, and was talking about mindfulness. He tried and tried, but nothing really happened. He said that I'd need someone to be a kind of guiding light, and to help pull that wall apart, but a therapist can't be that. Eventually he came up with a story about how he was going to a mental center in Japan and all that because he gave up.

Make sure you venture outside of your comfort zone. Start with the therapist, move on to somebody else. Try joining some extra curricular things. Sport, some kind of arts and craft, a book club. Anything that forces you to interact. If you are in a lager town there will be support groups for people with anxiety and depression to meet. Ask your therapist about those. You don't have to like the extra curricular activity, that's not the point. It's a stepping stone to something else.

I'm not in school anymore. Been out for years now. College is off and on depending on if I can afford it, so I can't really just up and join clubs or anything. : /

*Aim for a therapist with a masters degree in clinical psychology. Also try to see a psychiatrist if you haven't already. Ask about seeing them for checkups, say once a year or something. In particular if you are on medication -- Do NOT go on medication without seeing a psychiatrist.

I've been to psychiatrists, therapists, people who did both, and all that. Medicines always just made me sick and have awful side effects, even on low doses, so they came to the conclusion that my issues weren't because of chemistry.

Most importantly, don't give up.

Funny thing is I gave up when I was little.

BloodyTompon1 votes

To a degree, the dating thing is hyperbolic. Make it up might have been poorly put. It's about showing the best side and masking the worst. If you open your dating thing with something like 'I'm here because my therapist said I should' that is going to send alarm bells ringing and make people avoid. If you have a whole heap of negative stuff, people will move on to somebody else. It doesn't matter if they were better or worse, they presented themselves better.

I'm not in school anymore

Those things I suggested don't need school or college.

I'm not going to the therapist anymore. ... I was only going because my parents were forcing me to.

And that is a large part of why they never helped.

Funny thing is I gave up when I was little.

Then what are you doing here? If you gave up why are you still asking for help and trying to deal with it?

Niyumi1 votes

{quoted}

If you have a whole heap of negative stuff, people will move on to somebody else. It doesn't matter if they were better or worse, they presented themselves better.

I don't really have anything negative. Only negative bit (and even then it's not objectively negative) is that I'm asexual -- but I don't go on a whole big spiel about it, just a couple sentences. I think, overall, it's mostly positive and a little funny, but I think it comes off as kind of emotionless or forced. But, I'm not all that interesting either, being a goody two shoes and a nerd and all that, so I donno how attractive I even am. >.>

Those things I suggested don't need school or college.

Well, clubs and sports usually do. As for support groups, I just feel out of place. >.> They're all people who legitimately have issues in their lives, and I'm just here whining about being alone. My depression doesn't even really affect my life all that much, it's just kind of there in the background, like film grain. It's like, people tell me to find asexual communities, but I don't identify by my sexuality, it's just a part of who I am. I don't make a big deal of it, and I don't expect people to understand or advocate it, but they're all about that. I'd just feel out of place. >.>

And that is a large part of why they never helped.

I actually tried though. : /

Then what are you doing here? If you gave up why are you still asking for help and trying to deal with it?

Because giving up feels wrong, and I want to at least try un-giving up.

ThePikol1 votes

Ok, I've read all 4 discussions and few your comments.

  • You are 22/23 yo. Do you have a job? Find one, even not well paid.
  • Can u afford moving out? Your family don't seem like helping you. Or you too used to be with them?
  • Create a facebook/twitter/whatever account. You don't have to talk to people you don't want to talk to there. Like thing you enjoy there (nature phots, animal helping sites, whatever) and you will find people with similar interests. Ange again, don't force a conversation if you don't feel like.
  • Go to gym. I don't know if you are fat, fit or whatever. Training helps you with self-confidence, accept yourself, physical and menatl health.
  • Don't worry about not having girlfriend in that age so much. I'm 23 and my friends and myself don't have either.
  • You play LoL. Have you tried cosplay, or is it too much for you? By posting your cosplay photos you can meet new people.
  • I would suggest a pet, but your family don't seem like good environment for an animal (sorry). But maybe voulonteer in some animal shelter? Dogs are good for mental health, you will meet people and help some creatures, which will also help you.
Sona Ping1 votes
  • Create a facebook/twitter/whatever account.

I have to object to this one. There have been studies investigating how social media usage is damaging to people's outlook and mental and emotional wellness, that their usage could increase anxiety and depression.

Niyumi1 votes

{quoted}

  • You are 22/23 yo. Do you have a job? Find one, even not well paid.

I've had a few jobs, always end up being "laid off" or fired because someone in management doesn't like me, even if I do my job perfectly and then some. Looking for another one, but any time I get an interview that's usually the end of it.

  • Can u afford moving out? Your family don't seem like helping you. Or you too used to be with them?

Even if I had a full-time job, I wouldn't make enough to live on my own. I'm pretty sure I'd go crazy by myself too, since my anxiety gets a lot worse when no one is around. : /

  • Don't worry about not having girlfriend in that age so much. I'm 23 and my friends and myself don't have either.

It's not so much not having a girlfriend, it's just that I've never so much as been on a date or hugged anyone. Can't really think of anyone I went to school with who was in the same situation, and I feel like I'm some hideous monster half the time.

  • You play LoL. Have you tried cosplay, or is it too much for you? By posting your cosplay photos you can meet new people.

I've always wanted to go to a convention and try cosplaying, but in the end I always chickened out, or "forgot" to buy tickets, or whatever. I need to one day, 'cause it'd be fun, even if nothing came of it.

  • I would suggest a pet, but your family don't seem like good environment for an animal (sorry). But maybe voulonteer in some animal shelter? Dogs are good for mental health, you will meet people and help some creatures, which will also help you.

I've actually always had a lot of pets, and absolutely love animals, and they do help a bit since they always seem to know when I'm feeling down. Right now I have 5 cats, a dog, a puppy, a lot of fishtanks and a parrot that hates me. xD

Curious Kat1 votes

This is going to be a little bit corny, but bare with me alright? It's gonna be a long one. TL:DR warning for this reply xD.

I feel you, i really do. I genuinely wish i could give you a hug, and just let your pour your heart out. No one deserves that kind of treatment, especially from family. And it saddens me to know you are going through that. However, instead of you trying to relate to others, let me relate to you. If i helped my mom with PTSD, Anxiety, Severe Depression, Suicidal thoughts, and all of the above, i might just be able to help you a tad bit.

I too built many walls through middle school and high school. I never got bullied or anything, i just had a really rough life, with parent drama, losing houses, moving non stop, always losing what little friends i could make because i had to move so often. It became a really repetitive cycle, and i thought the world was out to get me. So i escaped in the gaming world, and built up my walls that completely deafened my own feelings that i had. My folks split up before i started high school. So that was a roller coaster to go through, spending one week here, or one week there, and trying to manage any possible social life with that without making one parent feel bad or ignored, or feel like i didn't want to be there. I bottled up my own emotions so i wouldn't accidentally hurt anyone else's.

Think of these walls, as your own fears. You must climb that wall, and you must conquer it. Don't barely make it up it, PARKOUR THAT SHIT. I looked at myself in the mirror one day, and i decided, i was going to better myself, and i was going to let people know what i felt even if they didn't want to hear it. Because i was tired of hiding who i really was. Once i did this, i got over my social fears, and i managed to past some tests to get into a Trade school program my high school offered. This was way out of my comfort bubble as you could imagine, i hated people, i hated what they were capable of, what they could say, or what they would think, but i threw all of that fear in the trash, and i parkoured the fuck out of my walls. For the sake of my future. I knew i could never afford college, so i got a head start by going to a College level tech school, that offered a free program through high school. I just had to pay for books and tools.

I still keep the walls about my parents divorce, and everything that happened in those years, because it's in the past now, i think of those walls as ancient old castle walls that get overgrown with wild life never to be seen again. Not because i am ignoring them, but because i am accepting that it is in the past, and dwelling on it will not help me. I sort of think of them as ancient ruins i guess you could say. Or even better, a trophy. A trophy that shows that i beat my own mind in it's own games.

I am not saying you need to do what i did, or how i did it, what i am saying though is that you need to just do you. Once you love yourself, and accept yourself, others will want to aswell. And if they don't, WELL THEN FUCK EM. They don't deserve to know you if they can't accept you for you. If your family won't accept you, when you accept you, then they don't deserve to. The truth is, you don't need anybody but yourself. Yes, others can help you, but in the end, it's only you that will always and i mean ALWAYS be there for yourself. And eventually, you will find that special someone who will be there for you too.

About the whole "online dating thing", i will answer this with a quote. "How can someone love you, when you don't love yourself?" Figure out who you are my man, once you conquer your walls, and your fears, and you can look back on all this sadness you are going through now, and laugh at it, you will think to yourself "How could i ever of let myself be so down about such little things". Life is nothing but obstacles, all of which you can either climb over, get a helping hand over, or, you can parkour the fuck out of those obstacles, and look bad ass doing it. And while doing it, maybe even inspire others. You can't have a "documentary" like profile, and expect ladies to come crawling to you. Heck, i still believe in meeting people in real life scenarios, like at a wal-mart line, or a DMV line, or accidentally bumping into someone like in the movies. But that's just me. I met my GF in the last 2 years of High School, and have been with her ever since. But ironically, we confessed to eachother over FACEBOOK. So freaking lame am i right? But others think it's cute.

I hope this gives you some inspiration, or a little beam of light, there is always light at the end of the tunnel my friend, ALWAYS. Here is another great quote from a silly source. "Everything will be alright in the end, if it is not alright, then it is not the end." You are on this planet for a reason. Life is a gift, a very mysterious gift, that no one has the answer to, and likely, never EVER will have the answer to. Cherish that gift. The fact that you can cry, and do cry even at small things like animes, or movies, means you are human, with feelings, feelings that want to be heard, but have been bottled up. Feelings that you can use to drive you towards a future.

My man, if i can conquer all my walls and fears, you can too. I am no stronger than anyone else, but i am more driven. I am driven to make a life for myself that is worth it. I just landed a job that i won't hate, after multiple dead end jobs that just UGGGGH!!! but no more!... Me and my GF are still dating, and are as strong as ever, we have a little fluffball cat, that is so obnoxious and annoying, but we love it, because it's so fluffy. We are looking to get our own place in the next year, things are finally shaping up, even though my childhood was rough, and highschool was REALLY rough, i parkoured my walls man, and i believe you can too. And i hope i helped you just a little by either inspiring you, or by relating to you. If i can do it, so can you.

Stay tough man, just keep on keepin on, whether it's through therapy, through yourself, or even finding some others to help you along the way. Never dwell on the past, but focus on what you can do in the present, to give yourself a better future!

Niyumi1 votes

{quoted}

This is going to be a little bit corny, but bare with me alright? It's gonna be a long one. TL:DR warning for this reply xD.

Haha, I don't mind reading -- in fact I love it. But, typing a lot just shows you actually put effort in, so thanks. ^^

I bottled up my own emotions so i wouldn't accidentally hurt anyone else's.

You know, I think that might be a part of it. When I was really little, like kindergarten and younger, I was a bully to my siblings and cousins. I think I was just upset about how my parents treated me, and how people at school treated me, and I took it out on them. Afterwards I felt really bad about it, because I can't stand to see others hurt (physically, emotionally, mentally, any way), so I think I just started bottling things up so I wouldn't accidentally hurt others by saying or doing something stupid, and so that I wouldn't vent on my siblings.

Even though I'm a stone wall now, I can't even hurt a fly, and I'm one of the nicest people you'll see -- I can feel good about that. ^^

... i hated people, i hated what they were capable of, what they could say, or what they would think, but i threw all of that fear in the trash, and i parkoured the fuck out of my walls.

Funny thing is, as much as I want to be accepted by the people around me, I actually entirely hate our species. Greedy, selfish, arrogant, thinking of nothing but themselves... people generally kind of disgust me. So I don't really understand why I feel so left out.

Stay tough man, just keep on keepin on, whether it's through therapy, through yourself, or even finding some others to help you along the way. Never dwell on the past, but focus on what you can do in the present, to give yourself a better future!

Haha, if there's one thing I was ever good at, it was being obnoxiously stubborn. :P So I'll keep on keeping on no problem, but I don't really know how to parkour.

TyrekGoldenspear1 votes

Well I was going to reply, but you summed up my encouragement pretty well. ^^

I may not have had the experiences you have, but my overall message was pretty much the same.

GJ. [slayer-pantheon-thumbs]

Thumbs up to you to Sciela for being brave enough to put this out here so we could help you out. [slayer-pantheon-thumbs]

Niyumi1 votes

{quoted}

Thumbs up to you to Sciela for being brave enough to put this out here so we could help you out.

I don't know that being brave has anything to do with it. Just kind of desperation.

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