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Perpetuated Negativity

Rueian·6/11/2015, 5:46:23 PM·1 votes·249 views

Upfront, I am easily identified as one who rages, and though unintentionally i create a toxic environment in my games, I am not a troll, i do not intentionally feed and i do not AFK.

I get easily triggered into low morale or fits of anger by falling into unfavorable situations. I am just an emotional mess no matter how calm I go into this game, or any activity for that matter. Because of this, I find myself with next to zero people to play with, zero encouragement, and really just a reflection of negativity.

This brings up the point of, for those who want to change, get no support. I have been struggling with emotional control for years, I've gone to see people about it, i've had many discussions over many communities, and it really always comes to the same conclusion. People love to say what you 'should' do, but rarely want to do much in terms of actively help individuals. (not that there is any obligation to do so)

I've been getting years of advice on what to do, but when you've dug yourself into such a deep rut, you fall to your habits quickly. People question how genuine I am about wanting to change given that some have known me for several years to see no change, but all anyone ever provides are just words.

I can ask for help continuously, but all I ever receive are words. All the Words of advice, encouragement, disappointment, scolding, frustration, etc., These have all done very little to pick me up out of the hole i've dug myself. If anything it only turns me more depressed or angry as people on the outside mock people similar to me, because no one sees the difficulty I have on the inside. I dont enjoy being lost in negativity all the time, but really, what do you expect when all a person receives are words and punishment.

I cant understand how everything seems so easy for people. being happy, having fun, building skills sets, making friends, just being a well rounded and enjoyable individual. Dont ever use 'Its easy' when telling someone something. Just because it is so easy for you to do whatever you've accomplished, doesn't make it the same for anyone else.

Communities has done little to help me become more positive, they just helps to enforce the feeling that i hate everything about myself, and i have literally no where to go. Really I question why I even take the time to sit here and type this, it will just get passed off or possibly i'll get berated.

Really I don't know what the point of the post is other than to express disgust in myself, and the hostile environment that this game and community continues to create. Need to get something off my chest, all this turmoil inside me is causing me physical pain.

2 Comments

Serevas6/11/2015, 6:21:46 PM1 votes

I'm not sure what more you're expecting than words when you turn to an online forum for advice. Literally all we can do is give you words. Make suggestions, give you advice, encouragement, etc. In truth it's actually up to you to actually do something with it.

I could tell you that I used to be exactly like you, very quick to rage, very unhappy, overall just not in a good spot in my life, I threw myself into my work, focused on that and it worked for a while, moved on to a form of philosophy that's rooted in Buddhism all they teach you is how to be more compassionate because everything is interconnected. How you're treated influenced how you treat others, how you treat others influences how they treat others, the cycle continues endlessly. That's helped a lot, keeping my head clean through meditation has continued to help. Now I even live with my girlfriend who also is very helpful in keeping me on that path as well, but none of it would have ever happened if I hadn't gotten fed up with it enough to go out and figure out how to solve my problems.

I'm not going to tell you it's easy, I struggled with the process for years, but I will tell you that it's well worth it when you get to the light on the other side of that tunnel. I'm also not telling you to take the path that I took, it worked for me, it very well may not work for you, or frankly for anyone else. So I understand being deep in that hole and wanting help, but in the end it's up to you to climb out of it, I'm happy to point the tools out to you, as I'm sure many other have been in the past, but it's up to you to do something with them.