So I was in Big Lots, and the most real thing in existence happened

I think it goes without saying that this is story that surpasses reality itself and inspires us to try harder in our lives, and again, its 100% real.

So I was in Big Lots today, shopping for around bargain brands at low low prices. It was fairly busy and loud, and hard to hear anything, but I couldn't help but to hear the Christmas music playing in their store. All the sudden, in the midst of Mariah Carey's rendition of "All I want for Christmas for you" and ad begins playing, and me, being the bargain saver I am, decide to listen in. The "commercial" is about two pieces of furniture talking to eachother, when all the sudden an interested customer approaches; it goes like this:

"Hey sally, look, someones coming! How do I look?" "Doors closed? Mirror's straight? Won't matter when he finds out what a pain you are" "Sssh here he comes!" Customer, " Ah, this is just what I was looking, great look, fine finish, and at a great price; now if only I can get it up to the Register. Hg, ER , AHHH..clunk.... OWWW MY BACK" "Darn!* They always let me down so hard**"

At this point, I'm thinking "Wtf, what kind of low grade joke is th-" when suddenly I hear someone cackling, dying of laughter. I'm all like "The fuck?" so I go around to the men's testicle cologne aisle , where this man is just absolutely , and I mean LITERALLY , dying of laughter. I'm like "Dude, that shit was funny to you? What in the fuck is wrong with you- do you need help?" ... He says , "No no, it's just so fucking hilarious. Every time I hear one of Bob Saget's jokes I can't help but to laugh!" Bob Saget? WTF is this fucking person talking about? Did he just light up with the makers of Aqua Fresh Toothpaste? "What do you mean Bob Saget's jokes? Why would he be writing jokes for a fucking Big Lots". He tells me, "Well of course he does; hes our supreme leader- The Comikaze; he writes all the jokes made up and his jokes are supreme law"

?! Somethings not right... I can feel at it this point. That when I noticed my Yumka-Watch was spazzing out like a R%%%%%ed child with Ice Creme; I had fucked up the space time-paradox and that I had to correct the space time continuum or else I would be wrapped up in this eternity of Bob Saget's jokes, in a life void of hope and dreams. I quickly started dialing the buttons on my Yumka-Watch in hopes to have figure out the event that altered the space time continuum... The man I was speaking had already keeled over and died, his gut had exploded; he had literally shit his pants and died from laughter.

I'm approached by a shadey character with a mask on that had been watching me dial my watch... He comes up to me and says , "That won't be necessary .." I tell him "Just try and stop me" and he just shakes his head at me. "I don't think you want to be doing that, unless you want to see your kid die!" . I'm thinking LOL I don't have a kid, is this guy fucking stupid? He simply points down at my manly stomach.. I look down and notice... I'm PREGNANT?

He's threatening my only child that's not even born yet... The sick bastard. "Fine, do what you want to me" I blush, as I expose my man breasts to the shady figure. "Wtf you doing you %%%%%%? I just need to take you to our supreme leader.... Fucks wrong with you... Damn.... Fucking white boys... Holy shit.... Always wantin the D.... God damn..." and I'm all like, "Dude just let it go it was a misunderstanding" and he says "MISUNDERSTANDING? FUCK YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU TRYIN TO GET AT MY DICK. GOD DAMn. NOT COO. YOU ARE PREGGO, YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES."

Responsibilities... thats right. I'm a mother now... Responsibilities.. It's time for me to grow up and take responsibilities for my actions... No longer can I slack off, I have to feed this li- OH SHIT MY GOLD FISH I FUCKING FORGOT.