To Claire; From Sonny

About 6 and a half years ago I was linked this video. It's always had a personal meaning to me but it was never meant to be something to help support myself or what was going on in my life. Lately I've been struggling more than I ever have before.

I suppose it started with birth. My mother was pregnant with me at the age of fifteen and I was born by the time she turned 16. As a result she dropped out of high school and by the time she was 19 she had three different kids. She blamed me for her dropping out and never receiving a "real" education. I was the oldest of three and blamed for just about anything wrong in the household. I never knew anything about my real father and never will. Don't know his name and I've never met him which is okay, honestly. I met my brother's father once and my sister's father I knew for a long period of time.

I was required to do the house cleaning and any chores around. I was never treated as an equal to my siblings just because I was the "start of it all" and what caused her life to be a mess. I've been yelled at by her more than anything. She was never physically abusive with me with the exception of a few times where she had grabbed a hold of me or slapped me. The one time she did grab me, I had bit her as a result and ran away as I was in pain. My sister's father, however, was not afraid to be very physical with me. Such things that went on or happened were: I had a friend over by the name of Brad(we'll call him) and we were outside having fun with the pool while we cleaned it because I just enjoyed being around the pool. I had money on the table to get pizza for us and my stepfather had used the money to buy pizza for him and my two siblings while we were locked outside. I had asked Brad to head home.

Another time the three of them were watching a movie on the couch in the living room. They had a large stainless steel bowl full of popcorn. What kid doesn't like popcorn? I approached them slowly and not knowing any better I reached into the bowl for just a small handful. I was maybe 10 at the time so I had no idea how he'd react despite the past. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me backwards as hard as he could. I fell into this small rocking chair my sister owned where I was badly bruised and in a lot of pain.

Growing up was very rough for me. I resorted to using sports and video games as an escape to help cope with the reality of the way things were in my life. Sports kept me out of the house and video games kept me out of reality when I had to be at home. I was very slim and athletic so I was good at sports and enjoyed them. Admittedly it sucked because there were a lot of things I wasn't allowed to eat or touch in the house. Just what was left in the cabinet and anything else would be in a cupboard or in my mother's room. I've done many sports. Ice hockey, in-line hockey, volleyball, soccer, fencing, indoor rock-climbing; I have all done in leagues or on a team(with the exception of rock-climbing, I had just done it a lot). I wish I could've kayaked more. I have only done it once. I've played some others a few times.

This was where I met a girl by the name of Claudia. I was at a soccer tournament and she was watching my team play because one of her friends was a teammate of mine and she enjoyed watching sports. She wasn't exactly allowed to partake in sports. She started talking to me and we hit it off really well. I had my friends from my sports teams, I didn't have to be home much, and now I had this beautiful girl talking to me and we just clicked. It felt so natural and I was happy for once in my life. What I would call pure happiness anyways. We started hanging out once or twice a week which lead to five or six times a week and eventually every day. We grew very tight and she got an idea of what was happening at home just based on being used to my patterns and how I'd act or react to situations.

She was a very intelligent girl and she taught me an excruciating amount of information and insight. I do have chronic migraines and headaches which if I didn't know any better would say they were caused by the overflow of information she opened my mind up to(ha). Claudia wasn't allowed to play sports because she was ill. She was born with a poor heart and lungs. Her mother was careless during her pregnancy and would smoke/drink to her heart's content with no worry about what could happen to her baby. Every 3-4 months Claudia would have to go to the hospital for routine checkups that would last about a week or two. The doctors wanted to monitor her on a long-term scale to get an accurate representation of her situation. Of course this led to her life being limited by the amount of exercise she could do as her heart rate would get too high and doctors didn't want her seizing or anything like that. I tried not to think about what would happen in the event that her heart rate did get high so I avoided knowing the logistics and what-not.

I'd visit her while she was there almost every day. She hated being there so I didn't want her to be alone. I felt like if she started believing I wasn't going to be around even when she was in the hospital that she might start to get worse. If I could afford it and had the money I'd bring her flowers when I could and it always made her so happy. I'd sometimes sit there in silence with her by her bed just watching TV. Admittedly, I did fall asleep with her at her bedside but the nurses didn't care a whole lot, granted it was against policy, as they were used to me being around to see her. This went on for some time and of course we fell in love long before that even.

On my birthday, November 14th, 2008, she gave me a watch and a hand-knitted blanket that she made for me. Claudia was a very symbolic person and it took me years to really understand what was going on. To this day I'm entirely sure what had happened. All I know is that she was tired of the procedures and tired of feeling like a burden to some people and even myself(even though she never was). She passed away on January 8th, 2009. It was the last day I went to see her. I didn't have the courage to go to her funeral or visit her grave and I'm not sure where she was even buried. The last time I ever saw her face was that day. The nurses let me take the pendant from her neck that I had gotten her the previous summer as a keepsake. Did more odd jobs than I could remember to be able to afford that pendant. She wore it every day with pride.

Things turned upside down after that moment. I isolated myself for months in my room just blindly staring at the ceiling. My mind started recording and paying attention to every little thing that went through it. I lost my focus and concentration. I grew severely depressed and couldn't manage to cope with it. I've been in a lot of mental and physical pain ever since. I hated going outside because everywhere I could smell her and feel her. The nostalgia was killing my slowly.

Luckily, my mother decided to move in August of 2009 to another province. It helped get me away from the atmosphere but nothing could ever take away the pain. I never was one to self-harm myself or cause any damage. In January of this year, I began to cut and the first time I did it I cut myself 27 times perfectly without the trace of a scar. I didn't want the attention or the looks. I covered it up. All I needed was the endorphins. It made me feel better and then I got the devastating temptation to do it again a couple months later. I cut myself on the same arm exactly 50 times with again very minimal-no scarring whatsoever. I've had suicidal wishes but I don't have the will to take my own life. I apologize if this is graphic but I wanted some way to open up. I can't afford therapists or medication. My roommates have built a mountain of debt. I am owed $2000 and have no hopes of paying it off anytime soon. I can't spend money on myself much anymore. I haven't done proper groceries since January as I can't afford it and my roommates aren't paying me. Life's a mess in every way possible. I don't have friends or family really(I do not call them family as I had to learn to grow up in isolation and independence.

They've never been there for me and to me that's not what family is. I've been taken advantage of by them many times and abused. People are going to disagree with me but that's just how it is for me). I don't even have people to play League with anymore. League has been my biggest escape ever since early 2010. I find it hard to play anything else. There's a lot more to it but I've already written a huge wall of text so I suppose I should leave it there. Thanks.