Just need to get this off my chest but I have been suicidal for a few years and it gets worse every

I am nit writing this for sympathy, I am writing this in order to get it off my chest as the people irl will freak out and possibly put me in the hospital again.

I have had depression for 8 years, I didnt get treatment for it until last year as it is "just a phase". I have planned suicide 6 times, failed 4 times, the other 2 I didnt have the money for(hire a taxi to take me to a bridge). I have been taking my pills and everything but it gets worse.

I dont do shit to change myself irl i guess, I dont exercise, I cant socialize well, I hate college and am more depressed being 3k in debt even though I took 3 classes.

I almost killed myself 2 days ago at a wedding. I was nervous and anxious while there and while going to greet somebody I spilt tea on the table. Now this isnt a problem except my mind was super negative and blew it way the fuck out of proportion and my dad is trying to get me to socialize. I couldnt handle the stress in my head, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall crying for 30 minutes before leaving back to the wedding.

I wanted to call the taxi or uber to take me to the bridge but I only had $5 on me at that time so I couldnt go attempt suicide.

I talked with friends I met on LoL and they helped me get through it and feel better.

Thats all I wanted to say, thanks for reading.