April patch notes forecast
*Hello summoners! With the new patch landed few days ago I was able to get a vision of the future notes to come: the april patch notes. April will have a fool's day: Mordekaiser will be reincarnated in this world, a power given by his lack of character definition, and will try to take over Riot. Disguising himself as Morello by holding a taco in his hand he will drive the whole company on the edge of insanity, and will take prisoner PWYFF by making him write these very patch notes, full of disgusting humor and grammatical herrors. He is about to bring down reckoning, to restore hope and peace for the gloria, and for living forever. *
CHAMPIONS
FIZZ and 
KALISTA
Since many does not complain anymore about mobility around these champions, we are here just to remember that they are a thing. We are going to do something? Dunno, but they are a thing.
-They are a most notorious thing.
LEE SIN
Listening to player feedback, the team agreed that ward jumping was not anymore a good choice and removed it -Ward jump is no more a thing
[However things will happen after the pubblication: the community enraged by the disposing attitude of the company will start calling them "without balls and coward", throwing insults and threats about how they should not destroy the cool champions and how they care only about noob$, up to a point where the page will be vandalized various and various times in this exact place. Only after few days when the situation will get less tense Riot will adopt countermeasures, and after the rising of PWYFF from the underworld and the breach of the gates of Hell they will update the patch notes right before the defeat of the Lightbringer, and the new order of patch notes]
Update: two days past patch notes
After listening carefully to the passionate feedback of the players we want to roll back the changes, since it shows that we probably miscalculated the feeling of the community. So we denied all the development time spent on him, since balance members are paid out of thin air for serious and valuable professional job, and decided for another rushed treatment: now Lee will leave a zone of no-ward, where wards can' t be placed no more for 5 minutes possibly reducing his ward jumping ability and leading to interesting strategy of vision deny, that will hopefully distract people from shitting on enemy players. Also he will miss a leg.
-Ward jumping will be again a thing, plus no ward zone. -Base attack damage reduced by 3 -He is missing a leg. Registered cases where he still manages to shit on enemy team thanks to full working butt, we are looking at it.
MORDEKAISER
Since the appeal of the original Mordekaiser sucks we decided that Pentakill Mordekaiser will be the base Mordekaiser, plus he will still have power over suffering and undeath and shit.
-Buffed Metal on Mordekaiser
VEIGAR
We acknowledge that the previous compensation for Veigar after the removal of DFG were not really compensating, and since the previous patch was not enough we want to increment the dose: since Baleful Strike can' t let Veigar pick minions behind two minions side to side, Anti Matter is not reliable enough to be landed alone and the ultimate has still a scaling on enemy AP that makes him useless against AD assassins we decided to buff Baleful Strike range. Then buff it slightly more. And then again.
-Triple buff to the range of Baleful Strike, now Veigar can steal enemy blue from his turret in midlane. If he does not hit more than 2 minions. -Added a warning particle for Antimatter of a bright red color, and increased the volume of the warning sound.
ITEMS
OHMWRECKER
Since no one ever picks this items or loves it, we decided to take a more alternative step for his usage: breaking one of our rules we will allow Omwreker ( Ohmwrekter? Pwnbreaker? ) to hard CC an enemy target in a particular fashion: the enemy will see an illusion of the item in his inventory, occupying a slot of an item he possess; even the most hard-boiled player will fall for the trap and will be shocked by the realization of having bought Ohmwrecker! The duration will last for at least 5 seconds, but the duration may vary depending on the enemy psyche resistance. This however will apply too to the possessor of the item, because... gosh! HE BOUGHT OHMWRECKER! The effect will apply itself every 5 minutes if he does not continuously use it on enemy champions.
-Now has a new active component that will shock the target player for 5 seconds up to hearth failure.
POACHER KNIFE
We quickly realized that this item is ok. No, for real, with recent changes is ok but it is not really cool: no one feels good when stealing an enemy camp and enemy jungler would not care much, so we decided to do a QOL change to it: name will be changed to RASCAL KNIFE and it will leave a mark on the ground when used that will state "JUNGLER Y WAS HERE, JUNGLER X IS A LOSER". Also we plan to add additional animations, like Udyr in bear form will scratch trees to mark territory and Nasus will do it by pulling up a leg and... well, you can guess.
-Now more edgy
SKINS
Definitely Not Udyr
Looking at how much is awesome the skin and how much is bugged Spirit Guard Udyr, we decided that this will be the Ultimate Skin for Udyr: it will receive additional lines, particles, animations, model changes and avatars. The theme will be around inviting friends at sleepovers and napping. Price unchanged to fuel work labor with previous skin possessor' s bile.
Order of the Banana Soraka
Nobody will expect the banana BECAUSE YOU WON' T NEED SINCE IL WILL BE SPLATTERED ON YOUR FACE ALL THE TIME.
Occasionally basic attacks may flew off the screen and land on other people' s game.
Archduke Nasus
Added a filter to remove chat and sound noise from people that know a bit of italian ( or know how to use google translator ) and joke around "cane" meaning "dog" in italian, plus additional cultural harrassment derivated from pomodoro, pizza, ravioli and spaghetti.
Urf the Nami-tee
What skin?
NEW SKIN 
Zilean the Retired Cook
With these additions of musical members we wanted to deliver this skin: now Zilean will dress a white candid Cook outfit despite not being on the job for a while, and he will cast away the memories of retirement with tomato-like particles, kitchen timers shaped as tomatoes as clocks and so on! He will have special interactions for the music- versed youth: when he hits a champion or a skin that is music based with a tomato he will make them feel doubtful and delusional about their musical career, but if he hits Pentakill members they will develop their sound even more edgier and will make their band logo even more unintelligible.
JUNGLE BALANCE
With jungle balance beign a cautious topic, we listened to our community and we noticed how many of them pulled up as example how much the jungle was functioning wll in Season 2. So, despite all resources and the professional development spent in the question we decide to part with our players with these much than needed changes
-Nerfed Irelia damage up to a quantity that feels enough nostalgic.
SYSTEM
-Added the possibility to report on the forum people that harrasses the balancing team by making jokes of the likes "how many riot balance members are needed to change a light bulb? it does not matter, they will still take a month". The report will be sent to the Tribunal. -Now the company will have his name changed to Rito. Mandatory Hue. -Announced a new set of carriers for the next patch.
[It appears that PWYFF swapped up patch notes with something else, and Mordekaiser Morello punished him to a trip of damnation in the underworld thanks to his newfound powers.]
BANNER OF COMMAND
Just checking in again, to make sure you are well. We will still look at this. And how we could not? The silky skin, the warm embrace... i feel like a minion, but when i am wrapped around you i feel Super. I remember when we first met, exchanging timid looks to each others between a coffee and a walk. You are mighty, but humble and give strength and hope to who surrounds you. You carry me and I raise you, high in the sky, with pride and joy. I would go Commando for you.
-Banner of Command, will you marry me?