Teemo's Advocate: Zed

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Heeeeello all you beautiful people! Welcome to the Brand New Hit Gameshow, Teemo's Advocate! I'm your host, Primetime Draven. Now for our first contestant. The One Man Army, the Undisputed Master of Awesome himself, give it up for me! And then give it up for Zed!

Pleasure to be here, Draven.

Not Draven, Draaaaaven.

...

Now Zed, are you aware of how to play Teemo's Advocate?

Not at all, I came for the free food offered to the contestants.

Well that's okay, Draven's gonna show you the ropes! You see, you have been complained about by your peers for being "Overpowered." So now you get the chance to prove otherwise. You are what we call the "Teemo". We're going to go down all your abilities while you try to explain to a group of judges why it's okay for you to have them. For each ability, our judges, who we here affectionately refer to as the "Balance Team," will say give their piece about how stupidly broken you are. Then you get a chance to defend yourself. You see that diagram of your spells on your booth?

Looks down and sees his spells listed in regular order, much like in game. Yeah.

Well, after you justify your broken ability, they vote "Gut", or "Leave". If you get a majority saying your ability gets gutted, then that ability gets a red X. If you get a majority saying "Leave", then you get a green check. If you get three out of five abilities, including your passive, Gutted, well then, you're getting Teemo'd. Jerks thumb over to an empty corner. Let's just say that corner isn't actually empty.

Gulps.

Cheer up buddy! You aren't alone in defending yourself. Every Teemo gets three calls to friends to try to help them out. We call them, Teemo's Advocates. Oh, I almost forgot, get through all five abilities with your kit mostly intact, then you win a fabulous prize! Any questions?

Yes, um, can I call the same person three times?

Sure can, we thought ahead in that feature, as we knew the people we were dealing with had few friends.

One more question, who are the judges?

Well let's find out, shall we? Our panel of judges comprise of five individuals, one from every class of champion other than your own, so no Slayers this game. Gestures to a long table with a multiparted curtain over it. Representing the Marksmen this game, we have, Ashe!

Waves at the cheering audience as the curtain rises. Hello, it's a great honor to be here!

Representing the Controller Class, we have, Nami!

Barely contains excitement as curtain rises. Hey everyone! Waves gleefully to the crowd. It's great being part of the premiere episode! I can barely contain my excitement!

Heh, the audience can tell, believe Draven. Now for the Mage class, we have Brand!

Stands up from his seat and intensifies his flames as the curtain raises, showing off to the audience. Yeah! It's going to get hot in here!

Sorry Brand, but it got hot in here the moment the camera turned on and showed Draven. Winks at camera. Representing the Fighter Class is Diana!

Raises both hands in the air, fists pumped and facing the audience as the curtain rises. Praise the Moon! Turns around and sits down. Let's get this over with.

You got it moonshine. Get it, see normally Draven says "Sunshine," but you're... you. So I said "Moonshine!"

Snorts in laughter but brings herself under control quickly. I get it.

Knew you would. They all get Draven eventually. Now for our final contestant, representing the tanks, hereee's Shen!

Curtain rises, seated and looking at Zed impassively.

Narrows eyes. I want a different tank judge.

Sorry Zed, can't happen. Draven doesn't make the rules, Draven just follows 'em. Now then, any preliminary complaints before we get this show on the road?

I hate him. He ults me and then kills me in less than a second. I barely have any time to do much of anything.

Hmph. He's weak. I eat him for breakfast.

He's incredibly irritating in lane, I can never push him in.

I can't protect my ADC if Zed keeps dodging all my skill! I can't do anything when he wants my Ashe! He just comes and takes my Ashe whenever he wants!

Snickers, fortunately for him it's hidden beneath his mask.

Tone is impassive. If he were to be gutted then he'd lose even harder to me. I want some challenge in the fields.

Growls.

Looks like you got your work cut out Zed! Let's get this show on the road!

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#Ability One: Razor Shuriken

Looks like this is a 6 second cooldown poke ability with a 90% Bonus AD ratio. You're up Zed.

Clears throat. Quite frankly, I need it to farm against you stupid mages. Tell me how a melee fighter is going to CS at all with you idiots constantly harassing me?

Then just use your shadow to CS.

That's on a 22 second cooldown and I max it last.

Then wait and use auto attacks like the rest of us. You have no real resource, you're impossible to push out of lane.

Yeah, that's a genius idea. Why don't I use melee auto attacks against opponents who can throw everything at me while I'm trying to farm?

We should get some time to prepare ourselves for when you get stupidly broken in the rest of the game.

Oh look who's talking! This is coming from the class that gets a free ticket to win lategame!

Have you ever been assassinated from the fog of war with no way to fight back? It sucks.

That only happens when your team's stupid enough to feed me.

... _Hits _

Are you serious? You're not even going to try to prove me wrong huh? You marksmen are all cowards, I'm glad I get to kill you day in and day out.

_Slaps _ You can't talk to my ADC that way!

You stay out of it before I turn you to sushi! Stop kissing Ashe's feet for five minutes and think for a second!

Rests both feet on his desk and munches popcorn. Alright Zed, ease off on the insult throwing, we didn't get to that part yet. You gonna call an Advocate?

Growls Not this round. What about the rest of you?

hits Maybe I've been lucky these past few matches, but you're incredibly easy to bully. I'll throw you a bone.

Thank you, someone with sense.

hits You might as well have a skill that you think will do something when I'm tearing you apart and feeding you to the Moon.

Looks at Shen expectantly.

... _Hits _

WHAT?! What about what you said about needing a challenge!

Shrugs. I don't need one that badly.

Oooh, sorry Zed. Things aren't starting so hot for you, but the show must go on!

#Ability Two: Living Shadow http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/3/3f/Living_Shadow.png Alright, for ability two we have a 22 second cooldown ability that lets Zed shoot out a shadow from beneath him. The shadow copies all his spells save for his ultimate, and Zed can swap places with it. Oh yeah, and if both Zed and his ghostly buddy hit the same target, Zed gets energy.

Are you kidding me? The recourseless champion gets more resources for hitting me with a point-blank ability? How is that fair?

It's pretty hard to hit him with much with he's blinking around. Plus he gets too many easy escapes.

Why don't you try being squishy when everything is trying to kill you while you try killing the one person on the enemy team with all the attention? Besides, manipulating shadows is not as easy as it looks.

Looks to me like you just throw out a shadow, then have it throw a shuriken at me to chunk me while you're out of reach for me. Melee comes with range disadvantage huh?

I admit that ability is quite annoying. Right when I have him on the ropes, he just goes over a wall where I can't kill him.

I'm a ninja, do you honestly expect me to be without mobility? Besides, it's not my fault you people don't know how to punish me when I act cheeky and use my only escape to do an easily dodgeable poke move.

What do you mean easy? We all don't have shadows Zed, we can't all outrun those giant blades coming down midlane to clear a wave.

I would assume you had a brain to be able to CS, so I also assumed you could dodge a giant blade coming your way. You can't miss it.

Wait! I'm calling an Advocate!

Thought you'd never ask. Pushes a button on a remote, and a TV screen comes down from the ceiling. So, who are you calling?

Syndra.

TV screen changes from being soaked in static to showing Syndra at her palace.

Currently seated on her throne in her fortress. What is it Zed?

Tell these people why I should keep my shadow powers!

Glances at the judges. Oh, the Kinkuo ninja is here.

Now Syndra, as an Advocate, you have to--

I was watching the show from the start, I know what to do.

Tell them how useful my shadow is!

Do you want me to include your shadow's usefulness outside the League? Because you sure knew how to use it last night.

Cheeks turn as red as his eyes. N-not here Syndra.

Oh no, tell us more. Leans forward slightly. This sounds interesting.

Whirls on Shen. Not going to happen.

I'll give you a "Leave" vote if she spills.

You can't do that! That's extortion!

Actually, Draven found nothing against it in the rules! Guess we'll have to add that one, but hey, it's one of the perks of being our first contestant!

Fumes.

So is that a yes?

Shouldn't you be helpful?

What did you just say to me?

Nothing! But don't you think that should stay private?

Laughs Please, I am far more powerful than these pathetic mortals! Let them think what they wish, they are insignificant. Are you weak enough to be ashamed?

Good question, are you?

Says the guy who couldn't save his father from being killed in front of him.

...

Do'h!

Ouch, low blow there Zed, you got one more shot to avoid being Teemo'd! Keep it up! Flicks off TV and brings back the scorecard

#Ability Three: Shadow Slash http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/4/45/Shadow_Slash.png Alright folks, this here is a rather simple move. Basically the dude spins. If he hits you with his shadow spin you get slowed for a bit. 5 second cooldown and 80% bonus AD ratio.

Eh, it's not as broken as the rest of his kit. I can let this slide.

Yeah, you usually don't even need it to kill us! So why mess with it?

Boring ability.

... That was quick.

Well that was a combination of the simplicity of this spell as well as the script writers having no material for this ability.

Script writers?

Looks like you get your first Leave Vote!

#Ability Four: Deathmark http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/3/34/Death_Mark.png Slaps

Slaps

!$@^ it...

Woah that was fast. Also careful Zed, this is a family show. After all, the whole family needs it's daily dose of Draven! Luckily our man Zilean was there for the bleep.

I knew he was going to say it.

You seem to have it every time I go to lane, the cooldown of that thing needs to be increased.

I wasn't aware it took you two whole minutes to get back to lane. Try coming a little faster next time.

.

Um, Draven's not too sure you understand how to win people over Zed.

What's the point? I know that no matter what I say these idiots will want me gutted anyway! Nobody will win on this show! I guarantee it!

Shrugs. The show's still young. We'll see if you're right. In the meantime, you're taking a ride to become Teemo'd!

..Oh no. Gets hit in the neck with a dart, slumps over the booth. Wheels pop up on the booth as it gets pushed to the dark corner by an invisble force. All anyone hears is a chipper laugh.

Well that's all the time we have for today folks! Before we close I'd like to give you all a message from our sponsors: Draven. Remember, Draven or nothing!