Cactopus, a public declaration of vendetta against you.

Around 2-3 years ago.. you stomped me and my team into a miserable defeat.

You were playing

That moment broke me. It took all the things I held dearly and smothered them beneath a Riot™ fleece blanket.

I remember that night vividly. The cold sweats, the hallucinations, that.. horrid.. laughter. [sg-miss-fortune]

The beating you gave me broke my spirit in ways that changed me, and my wife could no longer take it. The kids were another story, she could take those... and she did.

I was homeless for a while. I remember It was a cold morning, and the sun had just begun to illuminate the specks of dew on each blade of grass. It was as if there were a field of fiber optics beneath my feet, signaling me to raise my eyes from the ground.

I don't know why or how, but on that morning. In the dew-ridden Riverbanks of Oregon, where the fog hovers a breath above the sole of your shoe, A laptop appeared. Nothing special. just a:

MINIMUM SPECS TO RUN LEAGUE OF LEGENDS

• 2 GHz processor (supporting SSE2 instruction set or higher)
• 1 GB RAM (2 GB of RAM for Windows Vista and newer)
• 8 GB available hard disk space
• Shader version 2.0 capable video card
• Screen resolutions up to 1920x1200
• Support for DirectX v9.0c or better
• Windows XP (Service Pack 3 ONLY), Windows Vista, Windows 7, Windows 8, or Windows 10

just enough to run League.

I figured why not. The route I'd usually take to salvage cans from the trash bins was cleared by now. That scamp from 4th street with the crooked eye always beat me to the punch.

I took my belt off and wrapped it tight around my arm. The pinch was painful at first, then the feel of a thousand needles pulsed in each of my fingertips, and I fell back into that bliss. [sg-jinx]

The loading screen finished, and in less than a minute my opponents had opened mid. We ran it down, and won the game just after the 12 minute mark.

One of my old friends messaged me after the game, offering me a coaching position at his gym. Turns out all the iron pumpers needed a good finger exercise to get them jazzed up for the body-building comps. I accepted, figured I had nothing to lose since that crooked eyed scamp ran me dry.

I've been training ever since. Training for you.

You took my wife, my kids, and the game I love from me.

I'm going to crush you Riot Cactopus. [darius-angry]

I'm going to teach you the pain I've felt. I'm going to teach you the lessons I was never ready to learn. I'm going to force lance so far down throat that a hollywood adult movie director is going to call and ask me for tips. I'm going to run so many circles around you that your eye becomes as crooked as that scamp from 4th street.

I'm going to put you so deep in the ground that a and challenger duo can't break you from your earthly bonds.

No ult will save you.

No ult will revive you.

Soraka's heals will find a hard target amongst the shreds of you I leave on the ground. [sg-soraka]

Vlad will squeal in joy when he comes across whats left of you. [vlad-salute]

I will find you in a game soon Riot Cactopus.. and I will teach you true darkness.

Edit: Dudes a silver 2 Garen main I'm not worried LuL

EDIT 2: https://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/memes/4AEs2XzW-riot-cactopus-peril