I dunno if this will make you laugh, but if you are bored, click here.
Reporter: Excuse me, may I interview you?
Man: Yes!
Reporter: Name?
Man: Abdul Al-Rhazim.
Reporter: Sex?
Man: Three to five times a week.
Reporter: No no! I mean male or female?
Man: Yes, male, female... sometimes camel.
Reporter: Holy cow!
Man: Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general.
Reporter: But isn't that hostile?
Man: Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.
Reporter: Oh dear!
Man: No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.
[ Little Timmy didn't want to shower alone so he asked his mom if he could shower with her. ]
Mom: Ok, but don't look up and don't look down.
-- In the shower --
[ Timmy looks up. ]
Timmy: Mommy, what are those?
Mom: Uh.. those are my.. my headlights. To see in the dark. Yes.
[ Timmy looks down. ]
Timmy: Mommy what is that?
Mom: Eh.. that's a.. a.. dark, creepy forest. Don't get close, it's full of scary monsters!
[ The next night, Timmy was too scared to shower with his mom, her headlights, and the dark creepy forest. He asked his dad if he could shower with him. ]
Dad: Ok, but make sure you don't look down.
-- In the shower --
[ Timmy looks down. ]
Timmy: Daddy, what is that?
Dad: Erm.. that is a snake. A very poisonous snake, don't touch it or it might bite!
[ Timmy screams. ]
-- Bedtime --
[ Timmy is now too scared to sleep alone, he is afraid of the dark, creepy forest and the poisonous snake. He heads towards his parents' room. ]
Timmy: Mommy? Daddy? Can I sleep with you?
Mom: Fine, but just for tonight.
Dad: But you have to promise to go to sleep right away.
[ Timmy nods and climbs into the bed. Timmy goes to sleep immediately, but a few minutes later, he wakes to a noise. He is scared that the snake is in the room so he carefully, slowly looks around. ]
Timmy: MOMMY. MOMMY WAKE UP. TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS, THERE'S A SNAKE IN THE FOREST.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hey darling, your parents have come to visit us so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
3 robbers are in the middle of a bank heist. The first robber is extremely intelligent, the second is average, and the last is a vegetable. As they ran out the door, 20 police cars rounded the corner and surrounded them. The cops pulled out their guns and shouted for them to drop their weapons. The first robber, thinking quickly, pointed and shouted, "TORNADO." Everybody looked and he got away. The second robber, following the first's example, pointed and shouted, "HURRICANE." Everybody looked and he ran away. The last robber, thinking he should do the same, pointed and shouted, "FIRE." Everybody shot him and he died.
3 robbers were on the run. They had just completed a robbery and the cops were right on their tails. The first robber is extremely intelligent, the second is average, and the last is a vegetable. Both second and third robbers were following the first, and when he ran into a market, they immediately did the same. The first robber dove into a dog house. The second robber hid in a cat house. The third robber jumped into a sack of potatoes. Right after, the cops sprinted through the market's entrance. The cops slowly searched and one thought he heard something from the dog house. As he approached, the first robber, thinking fast, said, "Woof. Woof." The cop, relieved, moved on. He then thought he heard something from the cat house. Again, he approached, but the second robber, following the first's example, said, "Meow. Meow." The cop, relieved, moved on. As he was about to leave, he heard some rustling from the potato sack. He quickly walked up, and the third robber, not knowing what sounds a potato made, took a deep breath and said,"Potato-potato!" He was arrested.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father and asks if they wished to use it. They agree and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens, the girls began dating, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten, but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
K. These jokes suck I'm done.
