A John Mulaney skit, featuring Warwick, as told by Ekko

I’ve never really cared about current events . . . But then, last November, the strangest thing happened. Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-scared about a man-wolf running around. I try to stay a little optimistic, even though I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.

Here’s how I try to look at it, and this is just me, there’s a werewolf loose in Zaun. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay, but I have no idea what’s going to happen next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because there’s a werewolf loose in Zaun. It’s never happened before, no one knows what the werewolf is going to do next, least of all the werewolf. He’s never been in Zaun before, he’s as confused as you are. There’s no experts. They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, “We’re joined now by a man that once saw a serial killer.” Get out of here with that shit! We’ve all seen a serial killer! This is a werewolf loose in Zaun.

When a werewolf is loose in Zaun, you got to stay updated. So all day long you walk around, “What’d the werewolf do?” The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. It’ll be like, “The werewolf used the elevator?” I didn’t know he knew how to do that.

The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the werewolf at all. You’re down in the scrapyard like, “Hey, has anyone heard–” [imitates scraping noises] Those are those quiet days when people are like, “It looks like the werewolf has finally calmed down.” And then ten seconds later the werewolf is like, “I’m gonna run towards the Chem-Barons and slice ’em open with my claws. I’ve got nice claws and a long tail, I’m a werewolf!” That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking werewolf.

And then, you go to brunch with people and they’re like, “There shouldn’t be a werewolf in Zaun.” And it’s like, “We’re well past that.” Then other people are like, “If there’s gonna be a werewolf in Zaun, I’m going to bomb Piltover.” And those don’t match up at all. And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the werewolf, and then, down in the Dredge, a Noxian was like, “I’m a Noxian and I’m going to burn down Zaun!”

And before we could say anything, the werewolf was like, “If you even fucking look at Zaun, I will cut you to death with my claws. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can cut you with my claws, I’m so fucking crazy.”

“You think you’re fucking crazy, I’m a fucking Noxian! I have a meat grinder in my stomach. I’m fucking crazy.” And all of us are like, “Okay.”