My unhealthy relationship with League of Legends

My relationship with League of Legends borders on unhealthy. And it's all my fault.

I don't know why, but I have intense mental issues. On top of Asperger's Syndrome or some other sort of high-functioning autism that makes socializing nearly impossible, I cannot play games without getting emotionally unhinged. I do not like dying. I do not like losing. I do not like anything that is not exactly what I want to happen and how I want it to happen. I cannot deal with it. Whatever it is. And over time it's only gotten worse.

I've been permanently banned three times. Suspended several more. And muted more times than I can really recall. My "mouth" (so to speak, since it's typing) is what gets me in trouble. Most would say, "Just don't type! Think whatever you want, just don't say it." but I can't control the urge. The second something goes wrong my immediate instinct is to say something. It's like a tic or a bad habit. "Luck" is my favorite word to use. It's the best way to protect my ego, I guess. Blaming random chance.

This account has lasted as long as it has because I've gone to great lengths to cut League of Legends out of my life. I've played some, occasionally, when the I catch the fever all over again. But it never lasts more than two or three games. It's never long before I realize just how unhappy I am and how I could instead be playing World of Warcraft and enjoying life much, much more.

But the thing is that isn't satisfying. WoW is lovely, and I'm head over heels for it, but League of Legends is possibly my favorite game of all time. I'll never leave it completely. This is the longest I've gone without playing consistently but I still check in on it a couple of times a week. So this solution, while perhaps immediately the best choice, in the long run simply isn't satisfactory. I miss League of Legends. Dearly.

But I just can't fix my brain's bad relationship with it.

I can't just sit down and play. There's always some bullshit. Whether I get mad, or I'm tired of jungle and support, or whatever. I can't just let it go and enjoy the game. I feel obsessed with sticking to the "two roles max" rule despite that not really being a satisfying way for me to experience the game - I need diversity, and every day I want to experience something different. I can't mentally stand playing through bad games it's like being stuck in a horrible relationship for 45 minutes that sucks the life from me.

I envy those of you that can just play every day and never give a shit about what happens. You play a million different champions, you're decent at enough of them, and great at your favorites. You might have your best lane but you might play it one out of every five games because you'd rather just play for the sake of playing and being mid all the time really isn't something you need. You play the game for the sake of playing the game. You enjoy League of Legends and, win or lose, mid or support or top lane, you're just happy to be on the rift.

I really wish I could be like that. Leave my ego at the door and just play because I love the game. I do love the game. It doesn't love me, but I love it. When I get upset over a loss or when I lash out after a death, that's not the real me. The real me is the guy who watches a Youtube video of some guy playing Kled or some shit and then immediately wanting to load up the game and play some Kled himself. But then the Bad Guy comes along, reminds me that it might go badly, and then punishes me when it does.

I'm tired of getting so easily frustrated with everything in my life. I just want to enjoy video games. I really wish I could reinstall League of Legends. This season has been really rough but next season looks like it might be the best ever.

One day I'll figure this all out. All I want is to play League without the emotion or ego. Just let me enjoy it, brain.

I appreciate you for reading this.