A self-admittance of hate for the lower rungs of the community and why I know I belong among them.

I am a bad player. That's mostly due to not knowing the most efficient jungle routes, WHEN wards should be placed at the spots which I already know are the ones most crucial post-laning phase, and the full potential of wombo-combos, among a plethora of other things yet still knowing a damn good baseline and thinking ahead for planning combat situations and champion interactions that do not include the wombo-combo (I know some but not all).

I don't have the capacity for giving myself patience towards those who are simply incompetent on virtually EVERY aspect of the game and that is probably the single biggest flaw on the overarching scheme of things as it ties into basically everything from trust that you'll be heeded to all the way to simply not letting myself be tilted by the serious or petty things.

I'm always going to be a bad player for not having lightning-fast reflexes and the refusal to play many champions which are considered 'easy' by most (Zed, holy crap, I die to the AI because I can't string my abilities together in the intended fashion). The more predictable champions really showcase the typical playstyle of someone who just wants to be fairly straightforward.

I hate my life because I'm bound to a freaking pill every single day of my life that helps give me the energy my body is literally incapable of producing on its own and the side effects of taking it are pretty much just as bad as NOT taking it. I'm headed for a pre-40 grave to heart attack or stroke, that's a given (I'm 30, btw).

I've always been fascinated from when I was 4 years old on learning the nuances of life and even appreciating details I knew for a fact I'd forget and have to re-discover. Those who are disillusioned with any facet of learning and literally have zero cares to give both annoy and infuriate me, particularly when they are overly vocal about specifically avoiding any learning experience. It is remarkably common among the human race and I really wonder how we even came to be the dominant species of the planet if our gene pool is flooded with this level of ignorance.

My anger blinds me and I make many mistakes, though at least I am not so proud as to DENY those mistakes. I will take what consequences there are for my actions and while I may not like the outcome of many decisions I have made, at least I know that in THOSE regards, it's my own damn fault.

When it comes to this game, I feel so utterly helpless. The rare few games which I genuinely feel confident and something resembling enjoyment (however perverted the definition may become over time) is fleeting and I always, post-game, worry when the other foot is going to fall as I know that nothing lasts. I'm always on edge and have been suffering from stress and anxiety for the past 15 years as I am a genuinely unhappy person who wishes he had the courage to pull the trigger every time I muster the will to put a loaded shotgun in my mouth and ease my toe on the trigger.

But I can't. I'm so much of a coward because I firmly believe there is no afterlife in any capacity. Losing all sense of myself, which will not be missed by anyone by the way, is something I cannot comprehend and so I unload the shell, put the gun away, and resign myself to a vicious self-hating cycle which only gets impressed onto those who go out of their way to make miserable people even more so.

I wish I could tell you exactly why sheer incompetence in this particular game is so much more weighted than in others. I don't understand it, either, but whether it's the lack of common sense, the lack of acknowledging the most basic fundamental mechanics in LoL, or the fact that a single player doesn't have any agency over the outcome unless they are LEAGUES beyond everyone else in the specific way that any single game is won. One could be mastery of a champion, one could be a shotcaller (if the rest of the team actually listens instead of ignoring them and saying to stfu), splitpushing rotation for a team that mindlessly engages fights on sight even if they have no vision, or anything else that one may think of.

I have never encountered a game be this detrimental to a person's sanity than League of Legends. And yet I must be some addicted masochist because I find myself continuing a pointless struggle to reap no rewards outside of those that will be completely reverted plus any additional damage beyond that all in one fell swoop.

I am Iron. I will be Iron until the day I die and I have nothing but ill will for the overwhelming majority (but not quite everyone) that I have encountered thus far in my time invested (read: wasted) in this game.