Thank you, Riot

This is going to get a bit deep so bear with me.

Last Friday, something happened that has rapidly changed my life. A girl asked me out. This was a girl that I barely even noticed before and to be honest I wasn't going to respond to her because I thought to myself "She must be joking." After mustering up enough courage to follow up on her offer, I asked her if she was really interested ( because she was laughing when she asked me out ) and she said yes, she had a legitimate interest in me. From there, we talked for several hours and soon after I had my... "first time" with her.

After that, we started opening up more and more to each other. She began to tell me about her past - stories of abuse, feelings of hopelessness and suicide, panic attacks, abandonment. When I heard these things, I became overwhelmed with emotion. This is my first relationship and I didn't exactly know how to respond to or process what she was telling me and I became very confused and afraid. I want to protect this person - to be strong enough for both her and myself, but I quickly realized that at the current stage in my life, I am not. This entire week, I have had loss of appetite, sleeping issues, stomach pains, and today I actually woke up crying because I knew I was not ready for her.

I started panicking and went online searching for therapists, sent out an email, went to "therapy discord" servers, just looking for someone, ANYONE to talk to. There was no one. Eventually I just messaged her and told her what was happening and that I was not ready. That there was no way that the current me could deal with her. I explained to her the enormous toll my emotions were having on me in such a short period of time and that I would need time to become stronger and more prepared to be in this relationship.

As she was responding to me, there was a split second where my own words sort of repeated in my head. The part about not being ready, and needing more time to become stronger before I'm able to protect her - and because we both have nerdy conversations, it made me remember League of Legends. I have multiple accounts and ADC is probably my all-time most played role and in a lot of ways, it's similar to what I'm going through now. Bottom lane is one in which two people have to cooperate to defeat the opposing duo, but because ADCs are weak in the early game, it's really the supports who set the pace. In order for the carry to eventually get strong enough to carry, they have to be supported - they generally can't succeed on their own ( against equally skilled opponents ).

I explained this to her to help convey my feelings and get my point across, and even though she doesn't play League, she said the way the game works made a lot of sense to her and said that she's willing to support me through my weakness so that I can one day be strong enough carry her. Suddenly, a lot of my anxiety went away I felt more at ease.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to just say thank you - to everyone. Especially Riot for bringing this game to life. League has taught me more about life than you could ever know. It sounds weird but there have been many moments in my life where when I didn't know the answer, I would just recall a similar situation in League and remember what I had to do to win a difficult game, or to get a toxic teammate to calm down and keep trying, or whatever the case may be and I was able to apply those same things to real life situations and it made all the difference. Thank you for being one of my greatest mentors and reminding me that I don't have to do everything on my own, nor do I have to be at my best immediately upon starting something new. In game, you don't have to get a penta kill or solo Baron within the first 2 minutes - similarly, you don't have to be perfect or do everything right on your first try in a relationship or in any endeavor in life. It's okay to not be strong enough and to need more time - each and every one of us is a work in progress and if we give ourselves the opportunity to grow, we will, just like if we can manage to get the game to 35-40 minutes, we'll have our Trinity Forces or Deathcaps and be able to do all the things we couldn't do early on.

Thanks again to both the players and the developers. League will always hold a special place in my heart no matter what. You have all helped shape me into the person I am today. If there's anything I want you guys to take away from this story, it's to take things one step at a time. You'll get there eventually. Now go carry some games, summoners! And if you're a support, thanks for being patient with us - we know we can be a burden at times but we can't do it without you.

[vayne-pose]