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How I am dealing with my depression

gwynllyw·7/27/2018, 8:45:22 PM·2 votes·1,139 views

My name is Alex and I am 17 years old and have lived a life comparable to that of a 40 year old. I have had an insane amount of stuff happen and so many good things happen too. Recently I have been battling depression and paranoia and thought maybe my experiences would help others going through similar things. From what I have found there are a lot of people who use this game to escape reality for numerous reasons and it made me feel as if I could maybe help some of them out. So as everyone knows life can be extremely bad but it can also be extremely good. It all depends on your perspective which when you are depressed tends to be negative. Combining depression with paranoia is a recipe for destruction. I feel so trapped inside my mind that I struggle to open up and feel anything other than this blanket of numbness which I wear to protect myself from pain I guess. I became involved in drugs when I was 15 and ended up working with a gang leader for a few months. During my exams he started to indirectly threaten me and my family saying things like "If this isn't sold within a week I'll be at your house with 10 n*****s". I was supposed to get straight A*s and ended up getting mostly Ds and Es. That amount of stress and paranoia on top of having a messy break up with my long term girlfriend broke my soul. I went into a fetal like state of mind and had to relearn how to do the simplest of tasks, for example, washing dishes. I was this way for around 7 months and ended up dropping out of the college that I had just managed to get into. But I had a dream. Even throughout all of this shit I had something to believe in and it gave me hope which kept me going. I wanted to be a professional league player and play for Fnatic just like a lot of people who play this game. I spent all day every day playing 20+ games a day grinding soloq until I was exhausted mentally and physically and then I would sit with some food and watch LS and korean streamers to learn more about the game. I was working my ass off but then I hit "elo hell" Diamond 5. Where dreams die and demons are born. The majority of players in this elo are so broken and soul less that they want to surrender every game as soon as one person on their team dies in lane. They have no hope. After a few hundred games with these kinds of players I started to also lose hope. I was already weak mentally due to previous things in my life but this rank pushed me over the edge and I became what I hated. A hardstuck hopeless player. It took a few weeks for me to get a perma ban on my main account that I had played on since season 4. I became extremely toxic and to be honest just a vile person. I was so deeply affected by the environment I was in that it changed me from a compassionate hopeful person into someone who might as well be dead. I never played the game again seriously for months until a week ago when I had finally had enough of living without a reason. Without any sort of hope. I attempted suicide and truly thought I wouldn't wake up but somehow I did and I saw the pain I caused to my family and I have since then vowed to never give up on life or my dreams. I will never put my family through that again. I have started taking the game seriously again and I have been feeling more hopeful I am nearing the elo of broken dreams on a new account yet I feel as if I am equipped with the tools to get through it unscathed. (my winrate might get a bit clapped from the players who are hopeless) Nevertheless after all this ranting the most important thing I have learnt after dealing with depression and paranoia is no matter what hold onto something it can be anything that makes you feel like you are alive, but don't ever let that go. It is the passion I have for this game and a few friends I have made through it that are the reason I have only attempted suicide two times in my life. Might sound cheesy but that doesn't matter because it is the truth from the bottom of my heart. I wish all of those who are struggling with any form of mental disorder or are just struggling due to hard times in their life that they get through it sooner rather than later because I know you will all get through it and if anybody wants someone to listen to them or help them with anything feel free to message me on discord. Drop#6405. Much love to you all I wish nothing but the best for you all.

2 Comments

DrCyanide7/27/2018, 8:59:26 PM2 votes

That's... a lot to unpack. Glad to hear things sound like they're on the up side now! Fair warning from observing a loved one go through depression, there will probably be more down sides in the future, so really hold onto that promise that you don't want to make your family feel like that again.

A crazy thought that might be helpful for you: While the odds of getting into the Fnatic lineup are slim, I wonder if you can do the next best thing. Organize a League of Legends group, modeled after the LCS, with different teams. Even if you can only get 4 teams (20 players), that'd be a great start. Then do what almost no one else is doing: Broadcast those tournament matches online from the spectator camera. If you get enough attention with it, who knows, maybe Fnatic would sponsor one of your teams or give them some sort of "Academy" like title.

gwynllyw7/27/2018, 9:28:20 PM1 votes

I am in a team currently and we are playing in a series like what you are talking about so it would be cool if someone from Fnatic saw it but they probably won't, either way it will be fun.