Game crashes in some form, every match, HELP!

So riot apparently has ruined everything about the way their game client runs because I have numerous problems.

Every game at the beginning, something happens. Literally every single time.

I get An "Attempting to Reconnect..." that never goes away, forcing me to close the game.

Or I get a "Firewall Error" upon loading into the match.

After getting kicked out, I cannot login. I get "Logging in..." that never goes away until it says "Connection Error."

Also, after getting kicked out this most recent time, the game insists on updating.

I tried your troubleshooting with resetting the router and renewing the DHCP Lease. Which did work, temporarily. It does not work anymore

Wtf is going on?