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League Short Story

ColdennSedai·5/21/2015, 11:21:36 PM·1 votes·541 views

League short story attempt

I wrote a short story with League characters. I tried having friends read it to give me criticism and some pointers but they are either not interested, the story is so bland they don't care, or life is just too hectic right now for them to take the time. So I guess I'll try posting here. I've tried posting on reddit but it just gets swept away before anybody really notices it and plus, that probably isn't the right place for that anyway so I'll try here.

Now I'm rambling because I'm nervous so if you have the time, please give this a read and let me know what you think. I am by no measure a professional writer, and I know I may have been repetitive in certain descriptions. I have tried rereading and editing what I felt were weak points but I am desperate for other peoples opinions. Thank you in advance and yes, i did favor a few characters more because I like them. I wrote the story, I'm allowed to be biased.

May you always find Water and Shade.

3 Comments

Corvilyn5/22/2015, 1:27:13 AM1 votes

I like this because you flow with the action pretty well imo. Visually, I can see it. Even if I knew the champions, it was like I was watching the match. It put me on spectate mode and if that was your intention then bravo.

The mainly thing is though, most of the people reading this already know the champions and moves and what not. Maybe spread the content out more so it isn't just a bulk of narrative because that tempts me to glaze over some sentences. I don't think you have to describe their actions and their outfits to the t cuz I mean if you say Darius I already know what he looks like.

You did kind of touch up on their mental fight like Lux remembering her family. As I've mentioned before, I felt like I was really watching a game but if you want to REALLY get me I want to see what's deeper within the game. Characterize the champions, give them some unique twitch (like how Lux breathes slowly when she's serious), and most importantly, give us insight of what that champion is thinking at that moment.

That's all I have for you. Keep writing :)

Ethereal3115/22/2015, 10:39:43 PM1 votes

It's pretty good. Action flowed fairly well but the passive parts could use some improvement. You can probably work to join up some of the sentences together and spacing (I tend to create new lines for different events and it's very rare for me to start a new sentence on the same line depending on the situation, but that's personal preference) out some of the slower parts.

Being able to construct and control pacing is fairly hard to do, but you have the basics down to some extent. Characters are basic but decent. If you intend to make more, then working on the characters and potentially even character development might be something to think about. Instead of using stuff like 'front line fighter', you could talk about Garen's combat prowess or something similar as an explanation to make sure the flow keeps on flowing. I don't exactly have the words to really go in depth and I tend to fail at giving descriptions, but it was decent enough to be good for an attempt.

ColdennSedai5/22/2015, 11:09:23 PM1 votes

Thank you both for the responses. I think my next attempt will be more than just one bit of combat for each lane so I can try fleshing it out a bit more. I'll work on character depth and I'll do my best to make the slower parts a bit cleaner so they flow a bit better.