I Need YOU to Pass Judgement!
Do you like reading fan-fiction? I have a story written for my champion concept I'm making, and I need people to tell me what they think! I want this lore to be the best it can be, and I can only do that with YOUR help and criticism! It may be a bit long (1555 words), but it should be worth your time. If it isn't, I encourage you to tell me why in the comments! Say why you liked it, say why you hate it, or say what could be better. Thank you all who decide to take a look!
Alright, so... I have a story for you. It's actually, as I mentioned, some lore I have for my champion concept. I don't want to set up any potential spoilers, so I'll put a little of the champion information at the bottom of the story, for comprehension reasons. You can do one of two things:
- You can read through the story, look at the information, then look back to try and connect some things. OR
- You can check the champion information first, then read through the story prepared with all the information you need.
Whichever way you prefer is fine; just be mindful that what you do could drastically change how you initially understand the story. As I'd like to get feedback about both perspectives, I suggest reading first, then looking at the related champ info. You can read it, but you can't unread it; that's why it's best to read first, since you can always look back.
Okay, enough of this, here's the story!
*“Dad, where are we?”*
I asked, though I knew he wouldn’t answer; he didn’t respond the last three times. My mother wasn’t herself either; on the other side of me, she was staring at the woman speaking at the front of the crowd. This woman called herself the Spider Queen. She looked underneath her hood at the large group of us standing in front of her; the Queen’s cold lips moved methodically as she sized up each person with her blood-red eyes. Her gaze caught mine, and she looked right through me with a sharp-toothed smile.
I quickly looked down and gripped my father’s hand tighter. I knew I was old enough to stop holding my parents’ hands, but I really didn’t feel like being a “big girl” at that moment. I turned my head up again to see my father, staring just like my mother, with the same possessed expression.
*“Dad, I –“*
I just stopped there, as I didn’t see any point in prying. I pouted a bit, and I released my hold on his fingers. That, too, went unnoticed. I let my gaze wander while the bug-eyed woman continued her chant. While I didn’t know where this was, I did know that it was unnerving; it was a cold and dark island with a thin bluish fog that wrapped around the charred branches of the huge, bare, and gnarled trees. The foliage and dirt were a dreadfully deep black, and if there weren’t thick entanglements of ashen wood and bark, there were jagged rocks like teeth in their place, licked by the mist and worn to sharp points. There was only one landmark nearby: a cave in a hillside, the gaping maw of which towered over the forest and imprisoned all light that entered. An uneven staircase of cold rock led from the lip down through darkness; the only thing marking its path being some strands of luminescent mist. Jagged shards hung down from the arch overhead, marred from what looked like generations of wear. This we stood in front of, with the Spider Queen between us and the mouth of the cave.
She must have finished speaking, because the Spider Queen had turned around and was facing the cave. She made a gesture with her hand at her side, and she began walking down the steps into the darkness, her figure fading more with each tap of her feet. I stood frozen; she expects us to go in there? The group moved forward to watch her descent. Her robe slid along, dusting the path which brought her down into the empty abyss.
Gone. I searched for her silhouette, dug with my eyes into the darkness, but she was no longer there. Thin wisps of mist floated in free-fall slowly downward, loosely twined like ethereal spider webs, falling softly and disappearing just as soon into the dark. There was a low murmur through the crowd, concerned about the queen’s disappearance. One pair of feet stepped forward, moving steadily toward the stairs. More followed. I started to worry; I didn’t want to go down there. I reached to my side, but I found no one there. I looked up and saw both of my parents moving with the rest, uniformly taking turns going down the steps. I shouted:
*“Mom, Dad, please! I want to go home! Don’t go!”*
No response.
*“Please! Don’t leave me!”*
But they didn’t hear me. The two of them took the same steps together with everyone else, following their queen. I shouted but made no noise, and I watched them disappear from my sight, one after the other, their fleeting bodies fading downward to become one with emptiness.
Afterward, I found myself standing there, stoical, looking into the cavern. I was still alone in the surrounding forest, accompanied only by low-lying dead roots and floating strings of mist. I was slowly absorbing how alone I had become. The chilled air gave me goose bumps with how it slid underneath the sleeves of my robes and lightly stroked my skin. The hollow ground of the blackest night echoed back to me the whispers of a thin wind. I could even smell how cold the fog was; it was a blue so frail that I thought it might fold under my hand if I touched it. A small patch in front of me parted past my fingers and dissipated.
I heard a snap. I twisted around to look behind me. Nothing was there. The only things there were the blackened, gnarled trees and low, sharpened rocks. No longer suspicious, I turned to gaze back up at the cavern, at a maw that reached more than twice as high as any tree and teeth that were more than twice as sharp as any rock. It had a vacant stare that gave away nothing of the souls it had taken. For a moment, I thought it looked taller than it did before; but then I thought, if nothing was behind me, what made the noise?
I slowly looked over my shoulder once more. I looked again into the consuming darkness. A long ways behind me and past a few trees was a stump. In front of that stump was a single severed grey twig, and above that stump was a pair of eyes so deep and so red and so sharp and so boiling angry –
I threw myself into the maze of trees nearest to me, bounding around spades of rock, leaping over stretches of roots, and shoving through tendrils of mist, running for all I had left. The ground shook with reverberations of the monster’s chase, each step a thunderous echo to my own. I ran harder, pushing past fog that dragged itself across my robes. A scream escaped through my lips; the monster gave a percussive answer, its booming screech shaking branches and rattling my soul. My legs pulled me faster, frightened of the ground on which they tread. I stole what courage was left in me and dragged my gaze backwards into immediate regret. The grotesque arachnid crushed the earth with every bound of its eight legs. Its gigantic bulbous body crashed against every tree in its way and shattered every one of them to hundreds of pieces. It had a blood-red hourglass on its abdomen, and its numerous eyes held a familiar luster – she even had the same sharp-toothed smile.
I dug my heels deeper into the failing dirt, dodging falling branches and flying shards of rock from behind me. The world was breaking apart at its foundation with me at the center, and the Queen was not too far behind. Ropes of mist pulled taut across my path; I slid underneath and advanced my stride, hearing the ropes snap not too far behind me. Charred roots burst out from under the ground, but barely missed my feet, shredding my robes instead. My bare legs shoved my body forward faster than I could comprehend. The blur of obsidian forestry on both sides of me felt like it was closing in, narrowing my path to destruction. I’d never felt this shear level of terror; every aspect of my being screamed so hard that I felt my throat bleeding. My willpower began to fade with my strength as the darkness called for me.
But, far ahead, I saw a clearing through the trees. Ocean waves glimmered with unseen moonlight and shined in my eyes. This was my chance.
I bolted through the trees, the world howling after. With inhuman speed, I crushed my feet upon the ground and sunk my soles in deep, cracking darkened earth and spraying broken rock. The very air had faltered in my wake; it trembled back and out of my advance, my will too strong to ever stop. The Spider Queen increased her speed as well, but nearly nothing on this island could have ever caught me in my stride. Fueled by mortal fear and terror so unlike that which I’d felt before, I set my sight on nothing else but shining hope on the horizon. Walls of rock then burst up from the ground ahead of me, obstructing my escape. I braced myself and charged with arms in front, prepared to break whatever necessary on collision. None could stop me. Nothing in that forest full of darkness and despair could pull me back. Everyone was gone. Everything was gone. It was my turn.
I broke through the wall of stone. I mean, I did, but my body didn’t. Passed a loud crunch, I slipped through the wall, tumbling softly and slowly in mid-air. After about a minute, I took a moment to look down; I was floating over the edge, and below me I saw the glistening waves crashing against the wall of the cliff. Looking back toward the edge, I only saw a large wall of obsidian with a deep dent in the center. I no longer heard the monster; it was quiet aside from the soothing ocean waves below.
Despite the calming silence, I couldn’t help but feel unusually anxious. Floating there, I looked around, feeling like something was about to happen. Floating there, my translucent skin glowing light blue, I felt nothing but fear. Floating there, high above the ocean, completely alone, afraid of nothing, I screamed.
Fear is my life now.
And there you have it. I won't give all of the champion information, but I will provide what is relevant to the story...
Basic champion concept: Banshee
- This champion is meant to have a theme of being terrified of everything and screaming all the time. This is meant to be what she becomes at the end of the story.
Place of Origin (Homeworld): The Shadow Isles
- This champion, like many, comes from the Shadow Isles. The setting of the story takes place here.
Rival: Elise
- This champion has no friends, but has one rival, who would be Elise. Elise is the "Spider Queen" from the story. Elise's official lore also has to do with the plot of the story, as hers is about luring unsuspecting cultists into her lair to be fed to her spider god.
So, now that you have read everything... Do you think I conveyed everything correctly? What do you think about the story overall? Any (constructive) comments are appreciated!
And thanks again for taking the time to read!
