This was an interesting read, even though I personally don't think it belongs here on the forums. Unless it's League of Legends related and you just aren't telling us? :)
Going to try and keep the feedback short and sweet.
- When the Prince kills Klin, it's an important moment in your story. Secrets create depth and character, and it seems like that's what you intended with this bit. But where else in the chapters after Another Dark Secret do you actually show the reader the consequences of this secret on his mind? It is a huge missed opportunity to explore the inner character of the Prince in a more direct way.
- A lot of the characters in this story feel flat or static -- as in, they don't change much from the beginning of the story to the end of the story. You might want to consider how you can use the dialogue between the Prince and others as a way to actually illuminate the values, ideals, and motivations of other characters (and of the Prince).
- The Prince is too powerful. How am I supposed to root for a character who has to hold back his powers whenever he interacts with other "lowly" characters in the story? It's like there are no stakes to any danger that the Prince feels because, hey, guess what, he's actually omnipotent and he'll just mow you down regardless of how the fight goes. It is very hard to connect with the Prince. It is very hard to feel any remorse for him. You do mention that others see his powers as "unnatural" and that he keeps them at bay to protect himself, but look at how the end of the story goes. He ends up at the tip of the enemy's sword anyway.
- The piece needs to be edited for tense. There are paragraphs in this story where you are both in the present tense and the past tense, and the effect is really jarring. Tense switches like this can work, but if they are not absolutely seamless they really stick out. This tense problem pervades all of the chapters, but it's not so in-your-face as to make it impossible to read. Something to think about as you do more editing.
Generally the writing is good. I found a few typos, but that is normal. I think that if you went back through and edited this, and really expanded on missed opportunities to explore the character of the Prince and how his internal thoughts actually translate into the actions he's taking throughout, then you will have something even better. Show me the consequences of the Prince's secrets. Make the Prince someone who bleeds blood rather than rainbows.
