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Yasuo x Ahri (First Time Fan Fiction, Ever Writing)

Dearest·11/17/2014, 10:35:45 PM·1 votes·9,246 views

Hello, I wanted to write a fan fiction for the first time, I had something coming at me and inspiring me. I'm not remotely close to done, I wrote this in an hour, what do you think of it so far? I'm making a video with it, and here's the song I selected for the background. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vindWE_XnWs Read it while listening :)

His eyes stay glanced at his feet as he wondered the dark woods' road. With the moon shining so bright, the wind sweeping leaves across the path, the broken warrior recalled the look upon his brother's eyes as he passed away in Yasuo's arms. Overwhelmed and frustrated, Yasuo stopped to lean against an old fainted tree. Wind was all he had... all he ever had by his side anymore. Playing the flute made him felt at ease, the melodies given by the wind.

In the distance, he heard a cry, a beautiful voice as she scurried towards him. Bleeding and struggling to make her way to him, this beautiful creature collapsed before his eyes. The man slowly put down his flute, tucking it away into his traveler's bag. His eyes were caught on hers as she reached her right arm out to him then suddenly dropped to her sides. With his wind companion, Yasuo noticed a small mob headed his direction. It seemed that she tried to escape from the bandits. He stood ahead of her, soullessly gripped onto his sword's handle as he slowly drew the blade. The three bandits raised their swords high, rushing to strike a blow at Yasuo. "Out of the way!," one shouted. With a quick blow, Yasuo stroke a heavy wind against the three men's chests, ending their lives without remorse. 

As the three fell to the ground, one muttered, "It's him... Yasuo. The betrayer of Ionia." He quickly tucked his sword back into his scabbard then turned to the fox demon. She lied motionless on the ground while the wind began to sway the fur on her nine majestic tails. He came by her side and held her up in his arms. The warrior examined the cuts and injuries embedded in her soft skin, slightly mesmerized by her beauty. "An eyesore, now's not the time," he mentioned as he carried her away in search for a shelter to fix her wounds.

After a while of traveling with the creature in his arms, there was what seemed to be an abandoned shrine shrouded away from the village nearby. He gently pushed the doors opened with his foot and took a step into the cold building, laying her down on a ragged blanket he had found in the shrine. That night, he undressed her and treated her wounds before he sat against the wooden wall to close his eyes. He fell asleep as he watched her lie, rested.

3 Comments

Icestar118611/18/2014, 12:40:58 AM1 votes

It's an okay story, but there's a lot you could improve. I'll try to be constructive with my criticism.

First, it's pretty short. If it was longer, you could fit in more background, and even if there will be more chapters, try and make them longer.

Second, the whole situation seems kind of random. Why is Ahri running? How is it relevant that one of the men recognizes Yasuo? Why couldn't Ahri defend herself? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Third, you should probably proofread more. This has a lot of comma issues, pronoun confusion, and wording problems.

The comma issues could mostly be solved by putting the whole thing in a word document and spellchecking it.

The most important pronoun problem is that someone who didn't know Yasuo's lore might not realize he was the main character at first. Use his name before using other phrases to identify him. Also, describe Ahri so we know she is in the scene before you say what she is doing.

In terms of wording, "an old fainted tree" sounds weird and doesn't make sense, the sentence "Playing the flute made him felt at ease, the melodies given by the wind." needs to be edited, a small mob is a contradiction and you later say there are only three bandits, you don't soullessly grip a sword's hilt (not handle) unless you have no soul, stroke is not the verb you are looking for (try something more violent like slashed), embedded means literally stuck into (A nail can be embedded in wood. You don't pick up an injury and stab someone with it), so you may want to change that, you can't be slightly mesmerized (maybe try something like "Even under her wounds, her beauty was mesmerizing"), and delete "what seemed to be" - It was an abandoned shrine, unless it is important to the story that it isn't.

I apologize if I seem too harsh with my criticism; I'm just trying to help you improve. This isn't all that bad for a first attempt ever.

baph0maidn11/18/2014, 1:37:19 AM1 votes

I think it's good! Here's an example of the type of edits I'd suggest, along with an explanation as to why. Obviously you should use your own words and style; this is just to give you an idea what I mean.

The wanderer watched his feet as he made his way down the dark road through the woods. The leaves that swept across the path were illuminated by the golden lantern of the moon. And in the half-light, couldn’t help but remember another moment where the moon glowed in perfect white-gold, the moment that broke him forever: the moment his brother died in his arms. Overwhelmed and frustrated, he stopped to lean against a tree, which was withered and hunched like a gentleman past his prime.

The wind was his only companion. Really, it was all he had.

And in the night silence, he’d listen: sometimes, the wind would hum a melody into his ears, and he’d play those melodies on his flute to put his restless mind at ease. Sometimes the wind would answer in harmony. Other times, he would play the old songs by heart, and the wind would only sing her approval by tangling his clothes and hair, by sweeping a cool caress across his brow.

The first sentence needs to be cleaned up; it has some typos and the structure is a little distracting. By calling him a wanderer (Yasuo’s subtitle), the sentence functions more like a hook. With short stories and vignettes, you want your first sentence to “hook” the reader. Basically, you want it to make them keep reading. By calling him something ambiguous instead of just saying “him,” you can generate a little more intrigue.

Second sentence: you need something to tie the two events together. When we recall something, it’s usually because we’re triggered somehow. So maybe it was something about the moonlight that made him remember? What was it that made him remember his brother?

I like how you’re using imagery. Maybe instead of saying the tree was “fainted” (which is vague and confusing in this context), you can compare him to something. When people faint, they get weak and crumple. So maybe the tree is like an old man.

The point of the next part is that he’s lonely, and the wind is his only companion. Be sure to put emphasis on that; it’s an important part of this character you’re describing, and as a reader, I want to care about him. I want to feel an ache in my heart when I think about him wandering around alone, playing songs to the wind. This is where you really need to make me give a crap about him, so make it dramatic.

To offer a differing perspective in contrast with another commenter's criticism, I don't really think "why does [blahblah] happen?" is relevant; it's a portrait of a small moment in time. Stories are their own explanations; to go into too much detail would be to ruin some of the mystery. A beautiful thing, when over-explained, becomes less beautiful. You're trying to capture a beautiful moment in time between these two characters, so there's no obligation to explain every nuance. And honestly? Don't worry about how long it is. Quality > quantity. If you get to the end of the story and it feels too abrupt, then add more to the places that need expansion. But don't add things to fulfill some arbitrary length requirement. Remember: every sentence needs a purpose!

I'm also sort of divided on the names thing. To me, it depends on how long you want it to be. Really, though, you never have to use their names at all if you don't want to; if you want it to read more like a fable, you might leave their names out entirely. I would like to see where you go with it.

I think it's great that you start in the middle of the action. SO MANY STORIES start by giving me a bunch of background and setting and description (read: exposition) that I DON'T CARE ABOUT. You, on the other hand, have dropped me right into what's happening.

Hope to see you write more! The music is a nice touch. It was lovely. Have fun working on your story, friend. =]

Hyper Lion Song9/15/2015, 7:27:18 AM1 votes

I like it!!!!!!!!Ahri