Pridestalker Vs. Voidreaver

TheThaneOfSalt·5/17/2015, 2:11:33 PM·3 votes·836 views

Rengar crouched low, not wanting to make a single noise. After five long months of tracking, he has finally found the wretched Kha’Zix. Rengar tentatively rubbed around the metal casting of his left eye, flashbacks of their last fight raced through his head. Despite the battle ending very closely for both sides, he still felt as though he lost, and he knows Kha’Zix feels the same way. They were as close of equals as things were going to get, but neither of them would openly admit it. The Pridestalker sighed, this was it, the hunt was nearing its conclusion, this would be the end. Rengar looked up, in the middle of the pasture was a strong buck. The proud deer stood with its head up high, an impressive rack atop his head. Rengar watched the deer intently, it wouldn’t be long. Suddenly the pasture grew quiet, all sounds of nature had ceased. Rengar stirred uneasily from the shrubbery he was waiting in, it was happening. Time for the fun to begin.

As predicted, Kha’Zix leaped out of the bushes on the other side of the pasture, making it at least twenty feet into the air. Letting out a loud screech, he descended upon the buck. The deer had no time to react, and with one swipe Kha’Zix had killed the deer. Rengar watched as the Voidreaver dug into his meal. Rengar crouched lower, preparing to pounce. “It is time, Void scum.”, he said quietly. Rengar leaped up, letting out a deafening roar, causing Kha’Zix to pause his meal, Rengar could be mistaken but he could swear he saw a smile cross his face. Kha’Zix leaped up to meet Rengar in the air, the two exchanged blows, but disengaged when they landed. They looked into each others eyes, pure abhoration coming out from both. Rengar snarled viciously, and Kha’Zix laughed. This angered Rengar to no end, he vowed to crush him like the bug he is. Suddenly spikes were flying towards Rengar's head, with his superb reflexes, he was able to duck underneath and loose a bola towards Kha’Zix’s ankles. Kha’Zix growled, clearly annoyed, and cut the rope to the bola, but he had taken too long. Rengar ran up to him on all fours, pure rage in his eye. He jumped towards the Voidreaver’s body, landing on him and pinning him down, holding his knife to Kha’Zix’s neck. “It’s over now, puny bug.”, Rengar said proudly. Kha’zix suddenly tucked his legs in close and kicked Rengar with enough power to break ribs, causing him to fly across the pasture. Laying there unable to breathe he squirmed trying to get upright. Kha’Zix approached, smile on his face and took Rengar’s blade, he examined the blade, looked into Rengar’s eyes and then leaped into the forest. Rengar sat up slowly, finally getting the ability to breathe back. He felt defeated. Kha’Zix had bested him. Rengar sat there without pride or weapon, staring into the direction Kha’Zix had disappeared. “Until we next meet, Voidreaver.”

2 Comments

TheThaneOfSalt5/17/2015, 2:13:24 PM1 votes

Just a small story I wrote, if you guys enjoy I might write better, longer ones. Tell me what you think! ^.^

RobotRevolution5/18/2015, 6:37:07 PM1 votes

Good idea for a short-short and solid execution! Here's some things I think you should focus on in terms of craft:

  • Description of the action is good, but you should put a few more paragraph breaks into it. Set dialogue off onto its own lines.
  • "This angered Rengar to no end, he vowed to crush him like the bug he is." <- One of a few comma splices you should be careful of; also, watch your tense so it doesn't change ("vowed," "is")
  • "Laying" should be "lying." You lie down, but you lay eggs. :D
  • Try to show more and tell less. As an example, what does "rage in his eyes" really look like? Furrowed brow, raised lips, teeth bared, etc. More visceral details will draw in the reader and, especially in a short piece like this, provide richness of text. In other words, it may look and read like a light snack, but it'll feel like a full meal if you have good solid word choices and bright, visual sentences.

I really like the potential of this story. If you work through it carefully line by line to develop the small details and bring out the ferocity of their fight, you could have something really special. :)