A Seriously Not Serious Guide: ASE 1v1 Tournament

Let’s start with the obvious: xPeke can’t backdoor his way to victory here. Sure, he might be internationally renowned for his mid lane play, but that was before yesterday, and today is today. His drawing board probably consists of many loops and arrows — all trying to circumvent Aphromoo — but the backdoor angle is just going to be futile against the veteran support player’s vision control.

And I have a theory that all support players are actually rabid monsters deep down. They only play the position as a sort of self-restraint lest all hell break loose. The extinction of the dinosaurs? Support players. That spooky ghost under your bed that makes you not want to hang your toes over the edge? Support players. We’ve all been solo-killed by a Zyra who only has a Ruby Crystal and a biscuit. And Aphromoo is a support with some presence in the lane. It’s already no secret that he’s a monster.

ADVANTAGE: Aphromoo

Impact created an internet meme simply by stating a fact — all he did was say "top die" after killing his opposing laner. Would it have been such a sensation if he said "top is dead" or even "top dead?" Probably not. So is part of the allure here that his English was a little off? Possibly. And that’s what makes Mouse even scarier. Here’s a guy who might not even speak English.

One side of this battle features a player who speaks, therefore he memes. And on the other a guy who might be immune to the joke because he doesn’t understand it. However, I speak English and thus am greatly affected by Impact.

ADVANTAGE: Impact

I bought store-brand canned ravioli once instead of Chef Boyardee. It ranks in the top five of my worst decisions ever. Am I implying the NA label in "NA Faker" is equivalent to being store-brand? Or that Bjergsen is merely a can of bad ravioli? Not quite. Bjergsen is clearly a name-brand player. He has been peerless during his tenure in the NA LCS.

But NA is still a puny region compared to China. And there, Clearlove is one of its most accomplished players. Also, he has the advantage of always making it to the Quarterfinals in international events. It’s hard to argue against history, but 2016 is a year which doesn’t care much for historical precedent. And, ultimately, without a blue buff on the map, it’s going to be impossible for a jungler to deny a mid laner.

ADVANTAGE: Bjergsen

Mithy has home field advantage, but so did the Golden State Warriors when they had a 3-1 lead in the 2016 NBA Finals. It’s important to remember anyone — you or Steph Curry or your best friend or Steph Curry or your best friend’s other best friend — can choke. Meme all you want about vacations and G2, but nobody is as experienced at playing vacation games. Mithy has long been viewed as one of the world’s most cerebral players. He’ll have to put his brain to the test here against brawn.

Which isn’t to be confused with the brawny Braum. Levi stands on the other side — and if he’s anything like most commercials for jeans, then his play is going to be steaming hot. Like regular six-pack Adonis/Adults in public with their shirts off hot. Junglers are, however, hard-countered by support players. Vision wards have thwarted them time and again. That might not matter in a 1v1, but nobody shows more respect to a jungler — and thus limiting surprises — than a calm support player.

ADVANTAGE: Mithy

Doublelift is taking a split off. He claims it’s for his own mental health — that it’s just a way for him to rediscover his love and drive for League of Legends. I have alternate theory. No, it’s not related to Gosu. He’s going to take the money he has earned thus far to start a farm — there, he’ll grow minions. He’ll rear them like his own. And then line them up in pairs of threes — caster minions with caster minions and melee minions with melee minions. It will be repentance for his past life as a cold-blooded minion-slayer… Alternatively, he’s just in solo queue on smurf split pushing as Vayne to make a sick Youtube montage.

As for We1less, well, he did shoot the arrow completely the wrong way once. Or so we thought. Here’s the thing, though. He’s going to be pinned under his turret with a sliver of health. Doublelift’s arms will be lifted into the air, like some god preparing to bring down his wrath, and in the final moment — just as We1less’ tournament life flashes before his eyes — that wayward arrow will strike Doublelift’s back. 1v1 tournament confirmed scripted. GG.

ADVANTAGE: We1less

At a glance, it’s a baby against the supreme overlord and war hero of the greatest shape-shifting band of humanoids in the galaxy.

In depth, it’s a baby against the supreme overlord and war hero of the greatest shape-shifting band of humanoids in the galaxy. Complete with decades of carefully tailored marketing directed specifically at young boys only for its reboot to be butchered by overly complicated computer generated graphics and shoddy plots. That said, maybe Bebe’s name is actually pronounced like “bee bee.” Like those motivational quotes that say, “Be anything.” So he said, “Be be.” A state of perpetual performance towards an unknown end goal. Very poetic. Very easily destroyed by laser beams.

ADVANTAGE: Optimus

Everytime I see Madlife’s name, I’m reminded of the old Gears of War commercial where they play "Mad World." Mad liiiife. Mad liiiife. I like to imagine him running through ruins firing haplessly at some giant monster. And even though he’s fallen off the international radar, Madlife remains one of the most revered figures in esports. And if he can channel his inner Marcus Fenix, then he’s going to appear in two successful sequels before fizzling out in the fourth installment.

Uzi me now. Uzi me not. This would be Shaco’s voice line in a world where Uzi wins the the World Championship and selects Shaco to receive his skin. But we don’t live in that world, and that’s a real shame. Instead, we’re left with one of the most mechanically talented players to ever play League of Legends. Unfortunately, this is still not as cool as that Gears of War commercial.

ADVANTAGE: Madlife

A lot of this depends on how famous Celebrity actually is — are we talking political icon? Cultural? Youtube famous? Fringe role-player on a middling sports team that wins enough to make the playoffs but always gets knocked out in the first round? Is that Manchester United and the New York Yankees territory these days? Celebrity has found a lot of success at home and making it to this stage is also a testament to his region’s strength — the GPL All-Star conquered two separate qualifiers to reach this stage.

Meanwhile, Karsa is a player accustomed to slaying giants. Celebrities don’t get much bigger than Faker, and Karsa’s wolves have had that number time and again. It’s at the point where pundits and analysts always mention that relationship. And what am I but one such pundit. But if Faker is the real deal when it comes to celebrity-dom, is Celebrity a faker? Karsa’s not about to be fooled by body doubles or fakes — he’ll just consume them all.

ADVANTAGE: Karsa

Reignover was once called "Gameover." But these days he’s arguably the most coveted player in the west. One of the key reasons is his fluency in both English and Korean. And while this is a great asset on a team, it’s not going to help him very much against Rekkles. Not unless Reignover types a sentence in half English and half Korean in a desperate attempt at distraction.

Rekkles isn’t about to be distracted by mere words, though. Nor girls nor loud crowd noise. No, he was actually born with a mouse and keyboard in hand. Official records say he started his professional career at the age of 14, but there’s a little known myth whispered in dank cellars and bars across Europe. They say at the age of six, Rekkles was already battle-hardened. Before Summoners were wiped from League lore, he was one of the best. The boy wonder. And they say he survived the likes of release Xin Zhao. They say he even killed old Soraka.

ADVANTAGE: Rekkles

This is the "El Clasico" for onomatopoeia fans worldwide. Every one-syllable ugh or guh or ack you’ve uttered. This is the Championship match. In the top corner, we have Ziv, which is the sound you make when buzzing around a cul-de-sac on a brand new Razor Scooter. Children far and wide have traveled many millions of miles thanks to the propellant energy of shouting "Zivvvvvvv." For that reason alone, if he picks something like Rammus, he’ll be one of the favorites to win the tournament.

Meanwhile, Smeb is the sound plastic makes when it lands on something gooey. Like if Arcade Miss Fortune dropped her guns on Zac. This is certainly the more nuanced sound of the two, which gives it an artistic distinction. It’s truly the sound of modern art. But there’s something to be said for simplicity and accessibility. Plus, we may have overhyped Smeb by claiming he was the best player in the world heading into Worlds. Maybe underrating him here will give him the motivation he needs.

ADVANTAGE: Zivvvvvvv

sOAZ is in some ways the godfather of the modern 1v1 meta — which, of course, has become a refined and well-oiled machine since its origins in the wild west. Back then, over a hundred thousand of us marched for miles — snow and soot and all — to see him battle Wickd for a spot at the All-Star Event. As has been the case often in his career, he prevailed. But the Frenchman has long had an up-and-down relationship with fans due to his Twitter presence. Perhaps enough of them can draw his attention away from this match to pave way for QTV.

The main thing you need to know about QTV is he was born in the 80s, which is a decade many people would like to forget. It’s the kind of decade people look back on and laugh as if fondly but then go to bed at night and experience deep existential regret. Also, it makes him one of the oldest professional League of Legends players. It’s a nice change of pace in a scene dominated by teenagers. Every successful sports story needs its crafty veteran. Unfortunately, he runs into one of the most tenured players in sOAZ.

ADVANTAGE: sOAZ

Can Bengi sub himself in for himself? Is there a way to just not play the game at all until the final moment? Maybe if he just AFKed at his turret until Maple had 99 CS, then he could all-in and snatch the victory at the last second. Maybe he could pretend one of the cannon minions is Faker, and then gank the lane for it. He needs to figure out how to access his final form on command. This isn’t Dragon Ball Z. We don’t have thirty episodes to kill!

Otherwise, Maple may just run roughshod over him. The Flash Wolves have long had SKT’s number. But with Bengi no longer playing for SKT, perhaps he’ll be free from that mismatch. Maple is still favored on paper, but paper is flimsy and loses to scissors. Bengi knows that. He probably invented scissors. And until I actually see him lose, I’ll just assume he’s mastered the fine art of winning.

ADVANTAGE: Bengi

Let’s think about what Mata has going for him: MVP of the one team not helmed by Faker to win the World Championship in the last four years. Once considered the best player in the world. Crossed the Great Wall and played in China. Name is possibly short for matador — and matadors are super cool and totally relevant to Spain. Secretly a sociopathic monster like all supports. Linkin Park’s "In the End" is an homage to him -- in the end, it doesn't even Mata. And he has been referred to as Buddha.

It’s a very impressive résumé. Unfortunately, his opponent is Faker. God. The Unkillable Demon King. Hide on bush. BarcodeKiller. The Killa in Manila. The One. The Dark Lord. The Boy Who Lived. The Next Michael Jordan. The Deceiver. The Black Rose. Gundam. The Big Apple. The Nine Arts Dragon. MVP. Sanghyeok Lee.

ADVANTAGE: Faker

Jankos will win if he lives up to his moniker as the First Blood King. But there isn’t going to be a jungle for him to prowl from. He’s going to have to be like those junglers who come hold your lane after you die but then end up solo killing your opponent with over half their life left and then freeze your lane for you before disappearing to the raptor camp without so much as a single ping.

PraY simply has to never fight. Is it likely with how aggressive he is? Nope. But do I have an astronomical amount of respect for ADCs who like to initiate fights? Yep. PraY was the embodiment of the former ROX Tigers. So even if he plays right into the hands of the first blood king, it will still be glorious. We will hold a viking funeral for him.

ADVANTAGE: Jankos

These two players actually went through a long and grueling process to receive their automatic byes. It all started with the first great extinction when some mad space aliens threw giant rocks at the planet and turned it into an uninhabitable wasteland. Then some humans traveled across the universe on a space battleship to find the cure. Then a lot of things happened in between that and now. As such we have RonOP and Albis advancing into the round of sixteen. Is it fair? Hell yeah. Is my definition of fair a little Riot-biased? Hell yeah. Sometimes the die rolls snake eyes, and sometimes it rolls Alb-eyes. Also, Ron is OP so we had to advance him.