The Hater's Guide to the 2020 LCS Spring Split (A UrinatingTree homage)
Can someone please tell me how these owners survived business school? Spending millions on a failed business practice is a great way to ruin lives. Well, one can only hope things are going to get better in the League of Legends equivalent of Florida.
Ten teams, one dream, and thousands of angry NA fans at their doorstep. How does this play out?
100 Thieves: The Melbourne Job It's time once again to go back to the Heist, and this time the Australian version of Nate Ford in the form of PapaSmithy is helming the ship. To get this team back on track he brings back old man Meteos and brings back Cody Sun after his relative success at worlds this year, and a Ssumday who wants to prove that he can resurrect his career. To also aid them he brings in the unknown quantity in Ryoma from a collapsing OPL and a Stunt that wants to actually get out of the punishment league that is NA Academy. Whether or not he can prove he was better than Aphromoo is anyone's guess, but it's better to assume that this team is fucked right in the down under. At least until otherwise proven.
Cloud9: Etienne's Folly 2.0 It's the dawn of a new era for the boys in blue, but it comes with a stark revelation that even Cloud9 is not immortal and can stink it up it up in international play like any other NA team in the last four years. The same team problems that came out of Cloud9's CS:GO team last year finally came to the League of Legends roster and were embarrassed out of groups amidst a storm of internal issues. Someone had to be sacrificed to the League of Legends gods and they went with...Sneaky? Huh. To be fair, we all knew this day would come likely sooner rather than later. Sneaky was at least consistent to not give away games, but he was also never the one to get the rock even in its hey-day. At the same time, the way in which he was outed for the teams issues is incredibly worrisome. Add the fact that Sven and Zeyzal jumped ship means they must now hope Blaber performs like his 2018 vintage and that Zven coming from TSM will make lightning strike twice. The addition of buying out Vulcan from his contract at Clutch helps, but nothing really matters for this team unless they're back in the winner's circle come March. Good luck, gentlemen. We're all counting on you.
Counter Logic Gaming: The New(er) Faith Age Meanwhile, the other boys in blue are in prime position to return to prominence. CLG showed a lot of promise last year with a new core that led them back to third place in the League last split after a disappointing 7th in spring. HotshotGG has chosen to stand pat in the off season by keeping the core Ruin, Wiggly, and Stixxay while swapping Biofrost for Smoothie, snatching Crown from an Optic transitioning out of the league and giving PoE to FlyQuest for a pittance. Smoothie is still one of NA's better supports and hopefully Crown will do better on a team with actual structure. Anything to actually get a true third contender out of NA. Please?
Dignitas: A Bird of Ill Omen For thousand years they lay dormant, and now Dignitas has returned to their old stomping grounds in NA...where they proceeded to do what Dignitas usually does: take a golden situation and fuck it all up straight to the seventh circle of hell. After Clutch mildly exceeded expectations by making it to the Worlds group stage, Dignitas decided that Huni was the player of the future and gave him $2.3M FOR TWO YEARS!? You sign away almost a third of your player budget on a top laner that hasn't been relevant in almost two years for maybe half a split of Worlds-tier production at best!? I guess they had to do something that let us know the old DigniTOSS was back. It's been so bad that they're barely able to pay for the rest of their roster, which includes the only NA-born rookie in Johnsun, a TSM abuse victim in Grig, and a Froggen and Aphromoo looking to resurrect their careers. I should've known than to trust a fucking owl. The bones have been cast: they say you're fucked.
Evil Geniuses: The Burnt-Out Husk of a Hype Machine For thousands of years they lay dormant, and now Evil Geniuses have returned to their old stomping grounds in NA...wait, didn't I do this intro already? Whatever. Evil Geniuses can at least claim to have done something for NA in that they gave us all the Six-Million Dollar Echo Slam, but they also are the team that allowed us to laugh at them after stealing two players from OG and then getting smashed by them on their way to the Aegis at TI8. But surely they would know how to apply their success from DOTA2 to League, right? It looked good at first: take Sven, Zeyzal, and Kumo from an imploding Cloud9. It's a good core, but then you find they signed the Man on Vacation in Bang. Well okay, maybe he'll actually be more active than a sloth now that he's here. Besides, the real star of this show is Chovy. There's no way he'll stay in Korea with Griffin to be a smoldering crater fairly soon - wait, he signed with DragonX because CVMax told him not to? Shit, who can we sign now? Pobelter? Damonte? Nah, fuck those NA kids, they ain't going nowhere. Let's bring on the Italian Stallion! Jiizuke won't tilt out of NA like Febiven did! Some fucking geniuses you are. My research indicates beyond all shadow of a doubt that you're fucked.
FlyQuest: The LCS Detroit Lions Another year, another round of irrelevance for the other house that Hai built. This time, they're bringing in PowerOfEvil in the hopes of rejuvenating the midlane from the ruins of Pobelter's career while also managing to woo IgNar to come back to the west after a stint on a failing BBQ Olivers. I wish I had good news for you, but unfortunately there's not a lot to suggest that this roster will be able to pull this team out of the relentless eye of mediocrity. This team has been grounded due to issues of you're fucked.
Golden Guardians: Actually Take the Gauntlet Off This Time, Please Of all the teams in the LCS this year, this one is probably the volatile of them all. The Golden Guardians managed to graduate from being a total dumpster fire to mediocrity last split. In the hopes of returning to the playoffs, they sign Turkish jungler Closer after a good showing in the Play-In Stage at Worlds while also getting Goldenglue from Cloud9 after availing himself as a midlaner. This may be his last chance in the LCS at this rate, so one genuinely hopes that he'll perform well in the starting role this time. There's also FBI, looking to build off of his successes from last year, and to support...they're role-swapping Keith McBrief? This team is the epitome of boom or bust, either a dark horse contender for the Spring Championship or a total tank job that'll make Dignitas piss itself.
Immortals: Legends Never Die Amirite? No, I'm not doing it a third time. This roster reeks of old-man stink and past prime you could fill the walls with the Amazon boxes they came in. With Optic rebranding as the old squad that terrified in 2015, they decide that they want to go the Over-The-Hill Gang route and take a bunch of old players in the hopes of winning through sheer grit and veteran-ism. This will be accomplished by taking the master NA thief in Xmithie, bringing back Hakuho and an Altec that nobody had heard hide nor hair from in a year, and then getting old man sOAZ from Fnatic. And then you round it out with Eika, a rookie of unknown quantity. At least the old Immortals squad had pizazz of some kind. This proves even when you're dead, you're fucked.
Team Liquid: Doublelift's Hamster Wheel Just when you thought Team Liquid could take the next step forward, the slam dunk turns into a faceplant on the hardwood. Steve at least chose not to be knee-jerk once again and keep his main core. But this time he decided to pay out a metric ton of money to bring in Broxah from Fnatic after his successes the last couple of years in Europe and internationally in the hopes of finally getting Doublelift over the hump. Broxah has signficantly less mileage on him than Xmithie and probably has the same level of production, so I doubt Xmithie will be missed, but like their compatriots in C9, none of this matters until Doublelift can finally get out of groups. Yes, even beating Invictus Gaming at MSI last year will not be enough. Otherwise it'll be continue to be a year where success will mean nothing for NA's most dominant squad in history. If that even means anything now.
TeamSoloMid: The Definition of Insanity I will say it as many times as I have to: TeamSoloMid's player management is a fucking joke. They traded Svenskeren to Cloud9 while bringing in a new ward for Bjergsen to play with in Akaadian. And then that ward broke and they went with a new one in Grig. At least Grig did alright, but Regi was apparently seeing old ghosts again and decided in a crucial series against Clutch Gaming to bring in their Academy jungler in Spica. Surprisingly, none of those players are around anymore. Akaadian fucked off, Spica fucked off, and Grig went to a halfway house in FlyQuest. After giving Zven to Cloud9's player rehabilitation program, they decided...to do the exact same thing they always do and bring in Kobbe from an overachieving Splyce/MAD Lions roster and then bring in Dardoch to jungle. Jesus Christ, some people just don't learn. If Zven goes wings on Cloud9 it'll prove that Regi is the worst player manager since the days of Matt Millen. I will say RIP my Inbox knowing full well I've stirred a hornet's nest in players from Detroit for invoking the name.
It's hard to get hyped, especially now after such a hard fall from the highs of 2018. What was supposed to be a sign of tentative steps forward is a mirage, and the LCS front office, aside from one thing I saw from the start of November, has chosen to respond with dispassionate silence at best or giggling contempt at worst. I can only take solace in the fact that NA's failures to win and failure to learn from their losses is the only thing anyone in NA will talk about. Forums posts and subreddit threads are one thing, but when several articles are coming out showing that the NA system is broken beyond repair from the likes of Travis Gifford, theScore Esports, ESPN, and others, it's a wake-up call that should be heeded. One only hopes they will.
That's all I've got. Play ball.
